Advice needed: Having trouble with sexual intimacy throughout all stages of dating
As a preface: I have discussed this with my therapist. The TLDR is pretty much the sum of what we have talked about. I also apologize for rambling and being somewhat sporadic with my writing, I struggle with talking about this topic coherently.
I (30M) am struggling with sexual intimacy while dating. I generally don’t have any problems with emotional vulnerability, or other forms of physical intimacy (holding hands, cuddling, being close, a gentle touch, etc).
After I have sex with someone, I’m finding that I almost completely lose the drive to have sex with them again. It’s like the game is over, and I got the “achievement unlocked” badge.
I still masturbate even when dating someone consistently, but I find that urge/sensation for release to be separate from my desire for physical intimacy and closeness.
I have also experimented with dating and being intimate with people beyond cis-female. So I’ve eliminated this as a reason.
I don’t generally go for ONS, so my first dates usually are framed as getting to know someone over a coffee, dessert, a walk, or other short-term low buy-in activity with the potential to go longer if things are feeling good. And it’s happened multiple times, where the date goes well and we hook up. I find most of the people I go out with through dating apps, and I go out with people who I’m physically attracted to. And this pattern still happens no matter how good the sex is, or how much more attracted I am to them after I see them naked. I get the urge to want to be with them sexually again usually, and continually… that is until it’s been established that we “like” each other, and there’s some sort of established safety/commitment to seeing each other again or continually… then I lose the interest like a light switch.
Also, with every single ***relationship*** I’ve been in (gotten to the stage of monogamous and bf/gf), I find that once that defined commitment is established, I NEVER initiate sex. I get that intimacy elsewhere in the relationship.
Often, when the person I’m dating initiates sex, I will comply and try and be enthusiastic until they’re finished. No matter how much enthusiasm they have for them wanting me to, I don’t generally want to. Truly it feels like sex is separate in my mind from intimacy.
TLDR: I don’t need sex to be the vehicle for physical or emotional intimacy. I find sex to be the goal of the game of dating… and once I get to the goal, I don’t want to have sex. But I still want to be close in other ways with that person.