Growing up, my mother (50F) and I (19F) have always had a strained relationship. Recently, my parents separated after 35 years together. My father (55M) tried to leave, my mother strongly resisted, and during that period, he cheated with my best friend’s dad. They eventually split, but my mother did not handle the separation well. Because I lived with her but have always been closest with my dad, she constantly interrogated where I went and who I saw, clearly trying to get information about him and his partner. Nearly every conversation turned into her blaming my dad for everything and insisting I “didn’t understand what happened behind closed doors.” At first, I took her side and tried to help, something I should never have done. She pulled me into the situation by asking me to spy on my dad, putting airtags in his vehicles, force phone calls between them, and threatening her life if I didn't comply with her. Through therapy, I’ve realized I was being manipulated and that many of the things she said about my dad, and about me, were untrue.
The incident in question started over a credit card expense. My brother and I were given a monitored card meant for necessities. During a rough period in my life, I misused it, including paying for go-karting with friends. When my mom confronted me, I immediately offered to pay her back, and I would have, but she redirected the conversation into another rant about my dad. I had been drinking that night, was angry, and responded immaturely by mocking her. In result, she revoked my privileges, and the argument escalated into a heated confrontation where I got in her face, complaining about her behavior and constant victim mentality.
Things intensified when she took two racks of ribs I had prepared as a surprise for my dad’s birthday and refused to let me leave with them, threatening to involve the police. To prevent her from calling, I grabbed the phone from her hands and unintentionally started a game of tug-of-war with the landline, all while my brother attempted to de-escalate the situation. Upon using momentum from tugging the phone, she accidentally punched herself after I released my grip.
Afterward, my mother told friends and family that I assaulted her and even spat on her, and they encouraged her to press charges against me. My brother witnessed the entire incident and denies I did neither of those things. I acknowledge I was drunk and wrong for escalating the argument, but I did not assault her or spit on her. I am exhausted from years of manipulation, gaslighting, and being painted as a terrible daughter simply for refusing to submit.
I love my mother and I want her in my life, but the repeated cycle is so tiring. Do I cut off ties with my mother or can our relationship still be saved?