I 30F broke up with my now ex boyfriend 32M yesterday. We dated for about 4 years exactly. We have known each other for about 16 years total with a lot of on and off romance. His dad dad died a week ago.
I found out that he was cheating on me for the first 3 years of our relationship and the last year we've been trying to repair which was basically him just fighting me and things turning toxic, I was also very toxic. He is also an alcoholic and I have mental health issues.
I found out he cheated on me again the day before his dad died. We broke up and then his dad died the next day. He came to me the day his dad died and for the last week I've been pretending nothing happened, being there for him as much or as little as he needed, offering everything possible.
He started talking about wanting kids to carry on his dad's name and implying we could have kids with no commitment. My dad is dying of cancer and I'm going through a lot too. I very gently brought up commitment and he shut me down and I snapped (gently) and told him I can't be there for him and blocked him. He said he would never want to be with me after I did this to him during the hardest part of his life. I feel like I've abandoned him.
I really wanted to be there for him but romance and intimacy is very much something I'll only engage in with a stated committed relationship. There was so much that happened and I feel so confused with a lot of empathy for him still. Sorry this is so long, I've never posted on Reddit before but I'm genuinely needing some input from others. What would you do in this situation? Thanks to anybody who actually reads all this