After coming out of a long term relationship (32M) , stepping onto Hinge for the first time was a culture shock. I followed the advice of experienced friends who told me multi-dating was the only way to play the game, and for 3 months, it was more intense than anything I’d ever experienced. I was sometimes going on 4/3 dates a week, meeting every kind of personality, attraction, and even the hidden traumas people carry with them.
I’ve finally reached a personal crossroads, and I’m sharing this not to judge anyone else’s journey, but to find peace with my own as someone who's looking for a serious relationship.
We’re constantly told to keep our options open and never put all our eggs in one basket, a theory that's great for the ego because it feels good to be desired and have a backup plan. But I’ve realized it fails for a very simple reason : people are not eggs.
I’ve found that you simply cannot build something deep while keeping one foot out the door. Treating dating as a process of elimination like some kind of "Battle Royale", creates a toxic level of mistrust. When we date multiple people at once, we instinctively assume everyone else is doing the same, creating a defensive mechanism that makes it nearly impossible to actually connect with the person right in front of us. Everyone is actively hunting for the "best" option, which is often nothing more than an illusion.
The very thing meant to protect us from being hurt is often exactly what prevents a genuine connection from ever forming. I’ve decided to go back to my natural rhythm and focus on one person at a time. It isn't about forced exclusivity before you're ready it’s about being present enough to see if a real connection is actually there.
Those who don't share this need for clarity and depth will naturally filter themselves out, and I’m okay with that. The worst outcome isn't losing the dating game, it's losing a genuine connection because you were too busy managing your options, even if you think you that you're able to to manage it.
To find the person I’m looking for, I have to be the person I’m looking for…