Recently reconnected with a childhood friend who was never a close friend but whom I always held dear. She is one of maybe five people in our entire country I fully gel with and that seems, unfortunately, to be the case for her too. She’s surrounded by people and has a lot of ‘friends’ but many of them can’t really empathise with what she’s mad about or distressed over because they have different issues, a different identity to hers, etc. I know from everything she says that we have many of the same issues, but I don’t say much about my own life to her because she doesn’t ask and I don’t want to make it about me. “I know how that feels, [insert my experience]” just seems annoying and useless.
She is the type to frequently drop, like, trauma bombs, make huge confessions, share secrets, but all without wanting anyone to make that the topic of conversation. Like she’ll mention these huge things and then say she doesn’t want to discuss them. She mentions feeling extremely isolated and emotionally unsupported but resents being consoled or patronised. You can’t just sit there and listen because she only shares these things in single short phrases. It’s a bit like dropping “my mom passed away on Friday” into a conversation about errands. If you ask if she wants to talk about it, she says no, but the frequency of it all suggests..I don’t know.
She has big-sister energy and is usually the one mothering everyone, which she is good at and which she hates. She has this innate wish to be comforted but nobody seems to know how to do that right from her perspective. It ends up coming out condescending (any form of advice), hollow (“It won’t always be like this”), presumptuous (“It must be … to always …”), or, you know, whatever else. She’s been in therapy for years, but friends must have some sort of role. She wants friends.
I have great affection for her. I want to help but I don’t know how. Somehow it’s like she can bare her soul to you without any intimacy being established, because if you respond she changes the subject. Advice?