I (29F) met this guy in college, and I knew we both felt something for one another. He was from Atlanta, I'm near Boston. We became friends, and flirted a bit before he moved back home, but never officially dated.
He continued to keep up with me throughout the years, always wanting to see me when he visited. He would flirt with me now and then, so I knew he was still interested. But to be honest, I never took him seriously because he screamed playboy. I'm not built for chasing a man like that.
Until he moved to NYC recently, and I thought maybe it could work this time. He and I are both 29 years old, and talk about wanting to find someone to settle down with, wanting to have kids, etc. We've been friends for years, and he's been flirting with me since 2018. Maybe he would take me seriously now.
So we hang out, have a great time. The two people I told were excited for my 'date'. We begin to flirt after, but it almost immediately turns sexual. I pump the brakes, because you asked me on a dinner date in May 2025, but in January 2026 the best flirting I can get is sexual advances? What's up with that? NYC change you already?
I ask him, and he tells me he's not looking for anything serious right now, but his feelings for me as someone he 'actually likes' are still valid.
I tell him, no they're not. If you string me along for 8 years and still want me as a casual hook up, and then tell me you don't* see me as a casual hook up because you care about me but you don't want anything serious with me- then you don't have feelings for me, you just want me. It's hurtful to make me think otherwise if you have no intention of following up on those feelings beyond 'I'll see you when I'm in town'.
He has his own place, you can't invite me to yours once in a while? I have to just wait until you're around on your schedule, and maybe one day you'll want something more than casual with me? What's her name in NYC? Or are you just a hurtful person who doesn't care about confusing people as long as you MIGHT get your rocks off?
I'm disappointed. I thought he was different. Aside from the party boy immature bullshit, he was a likeable guy. I'm hurt that he has more value in potential random women from the club than he does in a friend of almost a decade asking to be dated properly. I'm disappointed I've shared secrets and memories with a man who just wanted my body. Who one day is yearning for me, and the actual next says he 'appreciates our friendship' the moment I mention an actual date.
I could use advice, but I also wanted to vent. I removed him from my private story and I'm going to maintain distance. He can still be an acquaintance, but I don't like how he views us women anymore. You can have sex with us, but you won't take care of our feelings? No thanks.
I also wonder if he even likes cis women at all. I had a similar pattern with a past suitor who has since come out preferring transwomen. I've seen my 'friend' liking posts about sucking girl dick on Instagram. I'm bisexual and genderfluid myself, so it's fine if he has a different preference, but it's difficult knowing I might be just another discarded female suitor in a self realization process. I have deja vu a bit, and feel kind of homophobic feeling that way. It's not a 'he doesn't like me cause he's GAY' mindset, it's moreso the posts, the I want you until I can have you now we want different things, the wanting to be a party boy at 29 but also wanting a family but not wanting to commit to any woman who could provide that family, I guess it's the flip flop of it all that makes me wonder. Like, you talk a big game until it's time to play. Why is that? Am I wrong for wondering this?
Thank you for reading. I'm just going to download Hinge. Worked for Mamdani, right?
TLDR; my friend from college flirts with me for 8 years but still doesn't want anything serious despite saying he has feelings for me. Could he be a lost cause kind of man that I've misjudged since 2018, could he be closeted and queer, is he still just lying to get laid, or is there someone else? I'm not pursuing it any longer, but my questions remain for the internet to discuss if they want to.