1. Regulate first, talk second

If emotions are high, logic won’t land.

• Take a short break if voices rise or you feel flooded.
• Agree on a return time (“Let’s pause and talk in 20 minutes”).
• Calm your body first (slow breathing, a walk).

Why: Calm nervous systems = better listening.

2. Focus on the issue, not the person

Attack the problem, not your partner’s character.

• “You’re selfish.”
• “I felt hurt when the plans changed without talking to me.”

Use “I” statements:

3. Listen to understand, not to win

Many arguments escalate because both people feel unheard.

• Don’t interrupt.
• Reflect back what you heard: “So you felt ignored when I didn’t reply—did I get that right?”
• Validate feelings even if you disagree with the conclusion.

Validation ≠ agreement.

4. Avoid the four conversation killers

Research shows these damage relationships:

• Criticism (“You always…”)
• Defensiveness (“That’s not my fault”)
• Contempt (sarcasm, eye-rolling)
• Stonewalling (shutting down)

Replace with curiosity and accountability.

5. Be specific and present-focused

• Stick to one issue at a time.
• Avoid “always” and “never.”
• Don’t bring up past conflicts unless they’re directly relevant.

6. Look for the unmet need underneath

Most arguments aren’t about the surface issue.
Ask:

• “What do you need right now?”
• “What felt important to you in that moment?”

Common hidden needs: reassurance, respect, safety, autonomy, closeness.

7. Aim for solutions, not victory

Healthy compromise isn’t 50/50—it’s both people feeling considered.

• Brainstorm options together.
• Ask: “What would make this feel fair to you?”
• Agree on a concrete next step.

8. Repair quickly after conflict

What you do after a disagreement matters hugely.

• Apologize for your part (without “but”).
• Offer reassurance.
• Reconnect physically or emotionally if appropriate.

Example:

9. If disagreements repeat…

Recurring fights often signal:

• Different values or expectations
• Poor timing (stress, exhaustion)
• Unclear boundaries

At that point, a calmer meta-conversation—or even couples counseling—can be powerful.