Hi everyone. I’m posting because I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore and I really need outside perspective/advice.
My boyfriend (32M) and I (33F) have been together for 15 years, and we moved in together about a year and a half ago. I love him very much, but living together has created a huge issue that keeps repeating and never truly gets solved.
The main problem is that I feel like I do almost everything around the house and I’m completely exhausted. I have brought this up more times than I can count. Every time, it either becomes an argument, he gets defensive, or he promises he’ll help more, but nothing changes.
To be specific: I cook dinner every night, do the dishes, wipe down counters/surfaces, sweep, mop, vacuum, dust, clean the tub and toilet, and keep the house organized. I do all the laundry (washing, drying, folding, and putting it away). I also do the deeper cleaning that a lot of people don’t think about, like cleaning appliances (microwave/stove/etc.), wiping down and organizing cabinets, and cleaning the fridge (inside and outside).
We also have a one-year-old dog and I do most of the care. I walk him 4 days a week and I’m the only one who feeds him. I clean his bedding and crate and deal with the pet hair. I’m doing all of this while working from home full time.
My boyfriend’s contributions are basically picking up dog poop and taking out the trash when it’s really full. Occasionally he’ll load/unload the dishwasher, but it’s rare, and most of the time I have to repeatedly ask.
I’ve tried being nice, being direct, explaining my stress, asking for specific tasks, etc. I even started writing down small daily chores for him (like wiping the counter) just to make it super simple and clear. He’ll say he’ll do it but waits so long that I end up doing it, or it doesn’t get done at all.
What makes it worse is he sometimes jokes about it, like it’s funny or not a big deal, and it honestly makes me feel like he’s not taking me seriously at all. Like my stress and burnout are a joke to him.
Also, he naps every day for a minimum of 3 hours. He works 8-5 four days a week, but when he’s home, a lot of his time is either napping, playing video games, or just wanting to be left alone.
Today was kind of a breaking point for me. I asked him to help me build a shelf. He completely freaked out, told me to leave and leave him alone, went into the bedroom, and slammed the door. It felt so dramatic and honestly hurtful, like I was asking for something outrageous instead of basic help.
I had to leave the house afterwards to take care of something important, and now I’m sitting here stressed because I don’t even know if he will feed the dog or take him out tonight while I’m gone/when I get back. It feels like I can’t rely on him for basic responsibilities without it turning into a fight or him shutting down.
I’m mentally, physically, and emotionally drained. I feel like I’m carrying the entire household, plus the dog care, plus the mental load of keeping everything running. I also struggle with anxiety, depression, and OCD, and this situation is overwhelming me. I feel like I’m stuck in a cycle having the same conversation and getting nowhere.
I love him, but I don’t know what to do anymore. How do you deal with a partner who won’t contribute and acts like you’re nagging when you ask for help? Is this fixable? What would you do in my situation?
TL;DR
I feel like my boyfriend treats me like a maid. I handle most chores and dog care on top of working full time. He naps for hours, plays video games, and gets defensive or angry when I ask for help. I’m exhausted and losing hope this will change