My husband cheated on me with a co worker and when it came to light I chose to stay. I love my life and I feel content. I don’t want to change anything about it. My children. My home. My work. My neighbors. Our friends. I did not want to compromise anything. Divorce was only an option for a moment until I realized that I didn’t love him to be hurt about his cheating. Since I was a teenager and I started be interested in boys, I don’t remember ever being interested in anyone who wasn’t interested in me in return. Like my love has always been conditional. If a guy rejected me my feelings disappeared with his rejection. It maybe a big flaw and as my sister said, may have deprived me of feeling real, all consuming love but it sure helped me now. When I found out he cheated, I immediately started picturing him with her. Touching her, making love to her, he wasn’t mine anymore and every feeling I felt towards him disappeared. Both the good but also the bad feelings.
People think I forgave him because I loved him so much but I don’t think I would be able to forgive someone that I love. My heart would not have taken it. Of course, I don’t tell anyone that, let them think what they want. All is good.
I want to stay anonymous. Thank you for letting me vent here
30 comments
That’s so deep and so hard to imagine! I’m sorry lady!
Do you fear that resentment might spawn later down the road because of your choice to stay?
Can I say how much i understand this , all of it.
Most people will talk about how the opposite of love is hate. To me it’s a flip side of the same coin but it’s still showing you have some feelings or care.
To me it’s disdain or indifference, that’s when you know it’s done. When you don’t really feel anything. I know with my abusive ex wife , we are separated and I’m living my own life again and recovering.
Same. I love my home. I love my neighborhood. I love paying the bills with his money, and going to pilates and the nail salon with mine. I wanted to protect my kids. I control more by staying. I don’t have to worry about subjecting them to some step mother and her bad ass kids. I don’t have to haul his ass in court to get child support that I know he wouldn’t pay to punish me. I’ll revisit my plans when they are up and out of the house.
If you don’t want to change your life and you’re not suffering, I find it perfectly understandable that you’re staying in your marriage. The opposite of love is indifference, and that’s where you are. Hats off to you! You’re much more pragmatic than most people, and that makes your life easier. Good luck, and be happy with your husband, or not.
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I understand how you feel OP, because I have always been this way as well. I love my husband very much and would not want him to cheat on me, but I worry I would be very “pros vs cons” in dealing with it and deciding if to get a divorce…and not at all emotional about it. I don’t know, I hope to never find out.
Do y’all still do romantic/sexual relationship stuff? Do you think he knows how you feel?
Op I get why you’re doing what you’re doing. Your husband hurt you and you lost feelings for him. Thats a normal trauma response. To cope with that, you focused on the lifestyle you have more than the person you built it with. Don’t you think years down the road, you will regret settling for just a lifestyle vs being truly happy enjoying that with someone you love?
This is a valid reason to stay married. Believe me, you’re not the only woman to have made this choice. But, secret account with secret money in case of divorce. Set up a nice net for yourself.
And the outcome will be that your children don’t see and hear what a strong marriage looks like and so your husband’s cheating and your indifference will steal that learning opportunity for them — making them more likely to repeat the cycle of unfulfilling marriages.
I’d be the same. I think that’s probably one of the reasons my husband stopped himself from going too far bc I confronted him on his BS and told him he’d lose my respect and love in one fell swoop. So sorry that you have to even go through something like this but you’ve got a good head on your shoulders. Take care of yourself.
Wow, reading this gave me some very familiar feelings. I did end up leaving but stayed a while because I was comfortable. For many of the same reasons that you posted.
I was good at masking the truth though, inside I was miserable and mad that she did that. Fell out of love with her for betraying and jeopardizing our little family. And that came right away after the affair came to the forefront. But I still stayed for comfort and financial stability.
I was gaslighting myself by staying in an environment that hurt me emotionally. Be careful with how you are feeling, your own mind can betray you into not being your best self.
Just out of curiosity, are you planning, financially, independent and on the side for if and when the day comes that you see a different situation for yourself or he ups and leaves? Does he still have physical relations with other people frequently? Have you been 100% straight forward with him that you no longer have feelings for him? What was his response. I am just being nosy because this is interesting. I couldn’t do it with my husband. I would be shattered. But I can see where this could work for some people. I wouldn’t pity anyone who stays. Their choice is their choice. If they are happy, more power to them!
I mean this is a choice alot of people make but I guess I’m just like…….why really? Like do you not miss the touching? The sex? The intimacy? You are just….around a guy every day that you care nothing about and even worse you have to actively expend the energy to keep up the facade. Like you are gonna wake up in 15 years and still think this was time well spent? Are you REALLY sure? I can’t imagine looking at my wife and this being my response. I would bail immediately it is not worth the lost time in any way whatsoever in my eyes.
If he cheats again and people find out, what will you do? Would you consider this an open marriage?
I totally understand your feelings right now but I just don’t see how this is sustainable for more than a few months.
I love the way you own your choice and decision-making! You go!
How do you live in the same home sleep in the same bed with someone you don’t care about, it’s not weird?
That’s just sad, empty
What happens if he catches feelings for another woman and decides rather than stay in a comfortable relationship but without sex, he would rather divorce?
I don’t think you’re wrong in what you are doing, but advise you to be prepared for that outcome. I would seek legal advice on what your options are and possibly have a draft of a separation agreement prepared reflecting what you want and what you think he would agree with.
Keep them secure and if the day comes he wants out of the marriage (or you do) you can hand him the agreement and tell him that while you have been fine with the status quo even though you are well aware of his affairs, you would be prepared to try to make things amicable for the kids sake so that co-parenting could be achieved without adding any additional stress.
There is always the chance he will react badly, but he will also realize that you know what he did and you are already a step ahead of him.
I understand this because I am very similar. As soon as someone does something unforgivable to me, every feeling I ever had for them stops. You are pragmatic and you realize that things would be worse for you if you divorced, with no guarantee they’d eventually get better.
Does your husband understand you feel nothing for him anymore? Are you still intimate with him or do you let him have his own outside relationships? This setup fascinates me.
Get a post-nup. I would probably do the same as you however, I would worry about the day he thinks he falls in love with someone else and tries to blow up your world with a divorce. You don’t want to be caught off guard and unprepared.
Props to you for making a decision that feels right and comfortable right now. You always have the capability to change if circumstances do. I will agree with most others here to have some money stashed away just in case.
PS….OP are you a Capricorn 😭 the total erasure of feelings gives me cap vibes
I understand you! If my husband cheated I will forgive him because I want my son to live in a 2 parent household. When he’s 18 , I will divorce and get alimony for life
How is this going to work though? Are you two no longer going to be intimate with each other? Are you going to start dating someone on the side yourself? Are you going to be in a sexless marriage until your children are grown or are you still sleeping with each other without the love?
I tip my hat to you so hard I’m not sure it can make it back up to my head. I mean it. This kind of self-awareness and insight, this level of adult acceptance of what is real and true: may we all achieve it, and under better circumstances. I wish you so much happiness.
If you’re never interested in someone who isn’t interested in you in return, WHY are you still with your husband???? He’s already showed you his interests lies elsewhere
Wow, it was really interesting to read about the dynamic in your relationships and the emotional attachment and detachment you go through.
Whether it’s a ‘good or bad thing’ doesn’t really matter IMO, your brain is obvisously skilled at protecting your heart and I’m happy that you don’t have to feel absolutely broken like many others would in your situation.
If he is going to betray your marrage you may as well have fun too 🤷🏽♀️
A little off topic, but yesterday in my small home town we buried a beautiful 17 year old boy- friend of my sons who passed due to cancer and his motto was “Fuck em, go live your life” and i think that very much applies here!
Thanks for sharing
I have to question how deeply someone loves when it’s easily turned off without mourning the relationship. Not that it matters but it sounds like a chilly, conditional relationship. Thats just MO and everyone is free to live their life as they see fit!
Yup…. Iv stayed after years of meth use and transgender hookers.
Reasons being massive mortgage for waterfront properties we only just signed the week of DD day.
Two older kids who adore their dad
Iv got a massive inheritance coming which I don’t want to get taken by him, will be used to buy him out of the house via “gift” from my father to me. (Already spoke to lawyer)
I refuse to touch him, we interact for the sake of peace but the thought of cuddling him.. just nope.
Even the way he walks repulses me.
Thankfully my income is good with a company car, I can survive with out him once the mortgage is less.