My girlfriend is a very emotionally intense person. Her mood frequently swings between very positive and very negative, and she tends to have extreme reactions to both small and large situations.
Example: she’s currently visiting her parents for a couple of weeks and accidentally bricked her phone while trying to take underwater pictures. She borrowed a tablet to call me while she was panicking and asking me what to do. I tried to calm her down and focus on practical steps (don’t charge it, let it dry, call these repair shops tomorrow, etc.). During the call she started calling herself stupid, saying she wanted to kill herself, that I deserved someone better, and apologizing for not taking care of the phone I gave her about a year ago.
I told her it was just a phone, that I wasn’t angry, and that I didn’t understand why suicide or our relationship had entered the conversation. I also said I wanted to pause the conversation and revisit it later once she was calmer. (I’ve started doing this recently because in the past, trying to talk her through these crises often resulted in the crisis later becoming partially "my fault" somehow, despite me not having caused it.) She agreed at the time, but later sent a long message explaining that she’s always been like this, that she "feels things very intensely," and that she hates it.
This is nothing new. She is in therapy and sees a psychiatrist, but has no formal diagnosis. From my perspective, this pattern hasn’t improved over time. She’s told me directly that she never actually wants to kill herself, and she understands that once she starts talking this way there’s little I can do to help without hurting myself emotionally, other than suggesting she contact her therapist.
These crises are recurrent. I can cope with them, and when she’s in a good mood she’s a thoughtful, caring, and loving partner, which makes the relationship feel worth it.
The bigger problem is how she reacts when I mess up, especially around communication. I’m also neurodivergent, and I make mistakes fairly often.
For example, last week during a video call she got upset because I broke eye contact for a second and assumed I was watching TV. The TV was on, in a menu. I was paying full attention to her and actively talking at that moment, but maintaining eye contact while talking and thinking (especially on video) is difficult for me, so I looked to the side. I explained this to her and turned the TV off. She said she was no longer in the mood to talk and wanted to hang up. We didn’t really resolve it.
Another example: after the New Year’s countdown, we talked on the phone and things were fine. I had a couple of drinks and was very sleepy. Later she sent me a video of the countdown and some messages. I didn’t notice the video. The next morning she was distant; I eventually realized I’d missed it. I explained I was tired, didn’t see it, and apologized. She said she was obviously bothered and now doesn’t want to talk to me at all.
To be clear, this isn’t about her wanting space or being busy during this trip. She’s been actively reaching out, wanting to talk frequently, and initiating conversations. It stops because of the conflicts.
Situations like these happen regularly. When she feels frustrated about something I did or didn't do, she usually follows with one or more of the following (depending on her mood and how serious she perceives it to be):
– stopping communication entirely
– leaving
– talking about breaking up without actually doing so
– using self-deprecating language and talking about suicide
Over time, this has started to affect my self-worth. Because reactions to small and large issues look so similar, I often leave these situations unsure whether I actually behaved poorly or whether the reaction itself was disproportionate. That uncertainty makes me doubt my own ability to communicate and care for a partner, even though I don’t believe I’m generally inattentive or uncaring.
This doesn’t feel normal to me. When she does something that bothers or hurts me, I try not to let it ruin both of our moods or escalate beyond what it needs to be. In three years together, I honestly can’t recall a single time where she said "I didn’t like that you did X" and it didn’t derail the entire day. When I try to point this out, she says I’m trying to "control how she’s supposed to feel."
Because both small and large mistakes seem to provoke equally strong reactions, I’m left unsure what I’m actually supposed to improve. I don’t know whether I’m constantly making major mistakes, constantly making tiny ones, or just frequently failing to meet unspoken expectations.
I’m not looking to control her emotions or avoid accountability; I’m trying to understand what reasonable expectations and boundaries look like in this situation.
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When my partner says she's deeply hurt by something I did, how do I tell the difference between valid emotional feedback and an emotional reaction that’s disproportionate or misdirected? And how do I set boundaries around that without invalidating her feelings or being accused of trying to control how she feels?
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Is it reasonable to expect a partner to express small hurts or annoyances without withdrawing, cancelling plans, or shutting down the interaction entirely, and to continue communicating in a mostly normal way afterward?
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For people who’ve been in similar dynamics (with a partner who has very intense emotional reactions), does it get better over time, or is this something you have to learn to tolerate? If so, what does "tolerating it" look like in practice?
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When reactions to both small and large issues look so similar, how do you figure out what you actually need to change, if anything at all?
TL;DR: My girlfriend has very intense emotional reactions. I can handle emotional crises, but when I make mistakes (even small ones) her reactions often involve withdrawal, cancelled plans, or escalation that derails the entire day. Over time this has made me doubt my own judgment and communication skills, and I’m struggling to understand what I’m actually responsible for, how to set boundaries without being accused of controlling her emotions, and whether this dynamic can realistically improve.