I’m so sorry this is long, but I’m really struggling and not sure how to condense it. Any advice would mean a lot.
I (25F) don’t like drama, but I’ve been really conflicted about my friendship with my maid of honor (24F), who I’ll call Kelly. We’ve been friends since we were about 7 years old. She was my first real friend outside of family, and we’ve stayed in touch through every stage of life even after multiple cross country moves.
The first major issue started this past summer before she became my MoH. For context, Kelly has gone through big personality changes over the last 6 years, the most recent being a drastic turn toward religion. That shift is where things started going wrong.
One day we were just chatting on the phone, and I mentioned my then boyfriend (now fiancé, “Mark,” 25M) was coming home. We’ve lived together for about 4 years. Out of nowhere, she said it was wrong for us to live together before marriage. I was confused since she’d never brought it up before and had always approved enthusiastically of Mark. Then she told me, “You should really move out, he’s not a worthy man of you.”
That hit hard. Mark supported me through the loss of my dad earlier this year, and hearing her talk that way felt cruel. I told her she was being unfair and that if that’s how she felt about my relationship, maybe she wasn’t worthy of being my friend. About three weeks later, she called crying, saying she missed me. With Mark’s approval, I decided to give her another chance.
Fast forward to the fall, Mark and I got engaged, and I was so happy. Kelly was too. I asked her to be my maid of honor, like I’d always imagined. I figured everyone makes mistakes, and we’d moved past it. But a couple of weeks later, she got engaged to her boyfriend of 6 months (“Austin,” 26M), and suddenly, our conversations started getting weird.
Example 1:
Me: “We’ve set our date for next summer!”
Kelly: “That’s great! You can start having kids too!”
Me: “We actually want to wait a little before trying.”
Kelly: “You should want to have kids quickly, like God intended. Austin and I will be living that way.”
Example 2:
Me: “We’re splurging on a live painter so that my dad painted into the picture, it means a lot to me. What do you think of this artist? She’s in our budget” Shares the artists website.
Kelly: “That’s really nice. Wait, I’ll have to pray over it before you bring it into your house.”
Me: “What?”
Kelly: “The artist’s wearing a crescent moon necklace. That’s witchcraft, you can’t welcome the devil into your home.”
I’m not particularly religious, but those comments really started to bother me.
When it came time for dress shopping, she lives far away, so I went with family and soon to be in-laws. I found the dress, something between an A-line and ballgown, sleeveless (which was huge for me because I’ve struggled with body confidence, but recently became a more healthy weight), with some sparkle and lace that reminded me of my mom’s wedding dress. I FaceTimed Kelly, and she seemed genuinely happy for me and approved of the dress with enthusiasm.
Then came her trip home for the holidays. She invited me to go with her for her own dress appointment, and I offered to drive since she hates downtown traffic. She agreed.
Before the appointment, we stopped for coffee at a new place. We were the only customers and started chatting with the owner while she made our coffees.
The owner asked what brought us in, and I said, “She’s picking her wedding dress today!”
The owner was kind and said how exciting that was, and Kelly suddenly cut her off with:
“We’re not engaged to each other, that would be wrong. We have male fiancés. We’re not lesbians.”
It was so unnecessary and awkward that I just went quiet after that. No one said anything even remotely close to suggesting we were getting married to each other. Even if they had, who cares?
At the bridal shop, she found her dress. A sleek, fitted dress with straps. We have very different style, but I still complemented her selection and I meant it. on the drive back, she started listing things she hated about other dresses, every single one describing features of mine.
“Big skirts are ridiculous.”
“Sweetheart necklines are trashy and too revealing”
“If embellishments aren’t real pearls or diamonds, they’re cheap.”
It felt like too much of a coincidence. I just drove in silence. Even though I know it isn’t all true, it has had me regretting my dress choice.
When we got back to my house, we looked through wedding magazines. She picked one up, saw a gay couple on the cover, made a face, and literally threw it. I told her gay weddings exist and that the magazine actually had great local vendor info. She ignored me and picked up a different magazine.
Later, she pointed out a wedding color scheme saying it was “hideous”. It was the exact color I had been showing her for months. I told her, “but it was someone else’s dream for their wedding. You’re not going to like everything.” She just stayed quiet.
Then came the moment that really broke me. She showed me a reception setup in a magazine and said she wanted her tables like that.
I said, “That’s nice, but it sounds like a lot to set up.”
She replied, “My dad will just do it.”
I said, “That’s a lot for one person.”
And she said, “That’s what dads are for, if you have one.”
My dad had passed away this spring.
I was stunned. After that, I didn’t talk much and was relived when she left. I spent the rest of her visit dodging her.
Looking back, she’s always had patterns like this…
flying into town but refusing to see me because she wanted to hook up with with a guy a few towns over.
In our teens she would invite me to large party’s, then ignore me while fussing over her then boyfriend. On that occasion I left early since I didn’t know anyone else.
criticizing my food choices even when I was finally making progress on my health.
She always apologizes and we move on. I’ve never really realized this pattern until now and to be fair the other issues were much smaller.
She’s already my maid of honor, and I feel trapped. I’ve confided in two other others. They say she’s probably jealous because our wedding budget is more flexible, but I’m not sure that’s it. Whatever it is, she’s become harsh, judgmental, and cruel.
I know a lot of this is trivial, but it feels really targeted and intentional. I’m not trying to have a crazy wedding, but I do want it to be peaceful. I know at the end of the day my fiancé and I will be married, which then starts the most important thing, our marriage. But I still want there to be as little drama as possible.
We’re supposed to later talk today over the phone. I’ve hinted that she’s been unkind, but I don’t know what to say or if this friendship is even worth saving. I don’t know if I should ignore it and hope it’s fine (even if I decide to not not continue the relationship after my wedding), discontinue the relationship now and not have a MoH, or something else.
If you read this far, thank you. I’m really grateful. I would appreciate any guidance or wisdom you may have on the situation.