I (32F) have been with my husband (45M) for 11 years. We started living together when I was 21 and he was 33. At that time I already had a child.
Back then, I worked much less than I do now and had more time and energy for household chores. Financially, most of the responsibility was on him, but I always worked from home and had my own income. If we were short on money, I would help cover expenses, because we were living paycheck to paycheck. I asked for the money back so I could have savings “just in case”, although I honestly don’t remember him ever actually paying me back.
Over the past year, my situation has changed significantly. I started working much more on my YouTube channel, which I decided to seriously develop as a long-term project. Right now I spend around 40 hours a week on it. I also go to the gym every other day, which is physically demanding and tiring.
My husband works from home. I don’t know how many hours he refuses to answer that question. As for household chores, he does almost nothing. All daily household responsibilities are on me: cooking, cleaning, laundry, maintaining shared spaces. He sometimes fixes things if something breaks, but things don’t break every day.
He has chronic depression and always has. Over the past year he has been taking antidepressants that were prescribed a long time ago that was the only time he ever sought medical help for his mental health. He has never been in therapy.
For the past six months, while I was increasing my workload, I kept doing everything at home as well. But I’ve reached a point where I physically and emotionally can’t handle it anymore.
He does not clean shared spaces, leaves things where he used them, and does not clean his own room at all. I can’t even enter it there are piles of trash, and the bed smells unpleasant. He has no clear daily routine, often mixes up day and night, and never sets an alarm.
When I finally told him I was exhausted and couldn’t continue like this, he said he doesn’t want to do household chores at all. He said my request was an attempt to control him, that I want to “make him a convenient man for myself”, and that I’m trying to dominate him.
He suggested we do our laundry separately. He also said he never asked me for anything and doesn’t need any of this. At some point, it became absurd he said he would rent two apartments and live separately. He strongly defends his room and says he’ll do whatever he wants there.
He also said that if someone took full financial responsibility, he would gladly take care of household chores.
I genuinely feel exhausted and alone in all of this.
For example, I prepared the entire New Year’s dinner by myself. He woke up late in the day, drove my daughter to visit relatives and back, bought some water, and then came to the table. Later, when I said it was hard for me to do everything alone, he just replied: “Well, that’s how it is.”
Another day, I was cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry all Sunday, while my husband and daughter were playing video games. I said: “You guys are playing while I’m working all day.” He replied: “Well, you’re our little bee.”
I honestly don’t know anymore if I’m actually being controlling, or if I’m just burnt out and asking for basic partnership.
TL;DR:
I work ~40 hours a week on my project and still handle all household chores. My husband works from home, does almost nothing around the house, and says that asking him to help is me trying to control or dominate him. I’m exhausted and don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or just burned out from carrying everything alone.