Hey guys. I need some help here— I can’t tell if I’m just overreacting or if I’m having a ‘come to Jesus’ moment. I just need help to decide if this is worth saving.
Recently, my fiancé (we’ve been together for 5 years) has been doing some reckless things (street racing specifically, which I made another post about but it’s not required to read.)
Anyway, a lot of the comments were just telling me to completely call it off— which I want to be a last resort— but it kinda made me realize all the things that I don’t like about our relationship.
1. I do 90% of the cleaning and take care of the cat. I tidy up, vacuum, organize, dust, clean the bathroom. I do my own laundry and he does his. He helps sometimes with the cat by cleaning the litter box, but I play with her, feed her, wash her once a month cause of her dry skin, brush her, give cuddles.
2. We hardly spend any time together anymore. we only ever cuddle at night when I spoon him until he falls asleep. He works 7-hour shifts, and every time he is home, he’s working on some of his hobbies (drawing, music.) I ask him for small things (ex. We’ve been watching a two-season show, 24 minute episodes, 20 episode per season, and haven’t finished it in two years. But for some reason, I always make time to engage in his hobbies.) we hardly ever go out, maybe once a month with friends.
3. I feel like I’m more mature than him. By a lot. when I try and talk about something serious, he always tries to escalate it with things like “you think I’m crazy?!” When I ask him to go to therapy cause I don’t like seeing him spiral. And I also just feel like I know better and have more common sense…
4. He doesn’t know the difference between ‘gender roles’ and being ‘gentlemanly.’ I think it would be nice if he opened the door for me sometimes, or got me flowers every now and then, or held my hand in public.
5. We haven’t been intimate for a year. I’ve talked to him about this multiple times because I’m pent-up. I’d never force him into something he didn’t want to do— but he doesn’t want to compromise (ex. Maybe get me off every now and then) cause I can’t get off to toys or myself. Think it’s a mental block.
6. He’s not great at his spending habits. bro is obsessed with Facebook marketplace for Music gear and stuff to deck out his car.
7. he doesn’t take my conditions seriously. I have epilepsy, and what my mom did for me was check up on me every hour after having a seizure, even in the middle of the night. I’ve asked him to do this after I seized, but he doesn’t. I also have autism which makes it really difficult to make myself food— and he doesn’t help me with it. He doesn’t offer to make enough for me too, and when I ask (which I feel like I shouldn’t have to..) he asks if he can just make me something later or order something for me, and so I just end up making things for myself and being exhausted afterwards and unable to do anything but rot.
The thing is, he does some stuff for me. He’ll buy me a video game every now and then, and pay for snacks at the gas station, or pay for half the groceries (he makes 3x more than I do.) and he’s here for me emotionally most of the time.
I feel guilty leaving, because we’ve been together so long and i think I’m really good for him— but he’s not good for me.
I ended up talking to him recently, and I’m going to spend the weekend at my mom’s just so he can see how it is without me. He said that he’s happy that I’m seeing my self-worth, and that he’s aware that he doesn’t treat me well and I deserve better, but I can’t tell if he genuinely means it or if it’s a empty promise. I sent him a list of therapists (that I had to look for) and he still hasn’t called or made an appointment— I don’t want to be a mom to him. 🙁
tl;dr: my fiancé is immature, I do most of the work, he is only willing to step up for a few days after having serious talks. Do I still try and work through it with him? How?