Throughout the year, I (20M) have had a crush on a previous friend of mine, Hayden(20M). We’re both males, and he’s straight, and the biggest issue is that we’re no longer friends because of me.
In February, I started to realize that my feelings for Hayden were more than just friendship. At first, I tried to convince myself it was just us growing closer, but over time it became clearer it was a crush. Like with my past crushes (except one), I assumed that if I ignored it the feelings would fade on their own in a short amount of time. However, they didn’t.
Then Instead of finding a proper way to deal with my feelings, I handled everything horribly. Between March and May, I began turning small issues into full on arguments with Hayden. Around that same time, a random person started harassing Hayden online, and he assumed it was me. This made things even worse. By the end of May and the start of summer break, things completely fallen apart in another argument, and I ended up asking him to block me on all of my socials
I was fully aware that I was treating him unfairly. I thought that if I pushed him away hard enough, my feelings would disappear. Over the summer, I tried distracting myself with hobbies like baking and playing Minesweeper, hoping the crush would fade. By the time school started again, I was sure it had.
In September, the person who had been harassing Hayden admitted it wasn’t me. Hayden apologized for assuming I was responsible, and I took that moment to apologize for how I had treated him earlier in the year. I still do feel like i didn’t fully and properly apologize to him tho.
I wanted to apologize properly and asked a friend Aria(21F) for advice on apologizing, they told me apologizing again would only make things more awkward. I still have feelings for Hayden, and I’m not sure how to deal with them in a healthier way whether that means apologizing, giving him space, or trying to move on.
TL;DR;: I developed a crush on a straight friend, handled it badly by pushing him away, ending our friendship. Even after slightly clearing things up later, I still feel guilty and unsure whether to apologize again, give him space, or move on.