I have a really hard time getting aroused. Most of the time I feel like it goes too fast, and penetration hurts at first. Yesterday I wore jeans and a tight t-shirt, and he loved how I looked. So we kissed and hugged for a while before having sex. Then we moved on to penetration, and, as always, I felt like I was hitting a wall. Luckily, he was patient and kept kissing my face and caressing me while he wasn't inside. Other times, his erection goes down from waiting so long. But I'm worried because I've realized that even his kisses and caresses don't excite me. I see him caressing my body, but I don't associate his hands with pleasure.
It's not that he's rough; on the contrary, he kisses very gently, and also on my cheeks and neck. He seems to enjoy it, but I'm absent, disconnected from my body. This happened even when we were dating, although sometimes those kisses were truly wonderful and pleasurable; it depended on the day. I've never had an orgasm with him or any other man because I lost my virginity to my husband. I wish I could enjoy sex with the man I love, who is also tall and handsome. I don't know what's wrong with me.
22 comments
Several things
1 – therapy (yourself w/ a sex therapist, then possible marriage counseling)
2 – yall are doing foreplay wrong
3 – get a good vibrator. Or 3
4 – nothing wrong with lube.
Are you mentally into it but your body isn’t reacting how you’d want? If so, I’d try some different lubes out. Sometimes our bodies aren’t fully in sync with our minds but still want to have a good time and need a bit of help 🤷♀️
But if this is something you’ve been dealing with for a long time, you should talk to your pcp or gynecologist!
Does he not know what foreplay looks like? This is a tme where watching some soft porn together can come in handy. Tastefully done couples porn. Oral, hands, massages, touches….all important
As someone who can have issues with focusing during sex it could be that you suffer from overstimulation. I know for me I need to slow way down. A lot of times even something as simple as being kissed and touched at the same time can be overwhelming for me. Usually what works for me is starting off with some very slow caressing and cuddling. Hold off on the kissing for awhile then add it in. Then kiss for awhile but sometimes we take breaks and just focus on the caressing again. I have to build up. Also get good at communicating.. being able to tell your husband what you need is imperative. Being able to tell him to slow down or hey can we just focus on caressing each other right now.
Don’t worry about him losing his erection. He can regain it. It honestly sounds like he dictates the pace of sex and you just go along with it. You need to be comfortable with telling him to slow down.
Uberlube and foreplay.
Normally sex ain’t that complicated. You desire him, he desires you, both can’t wait to get started. If that isn’t not the case, sexual compatibility may be at play, or medical issues, or some deep psychological issues are surfacing.
Assuming you are healthy and love your husband, do find yourself desiring him sexually ? Do you crave having him inside you?
Of course, there is a psychological aspect that may also interfere. If sexual intercourses have been an issue with other men, the issue may not be with them but something inside you that requires healing and alignment. In that case, consulting a sex therapist would probably move the needle.
Kisses, hugs and some caresses are maybe not enough forplays for you… I know it would not be enough for me. Most women need time to be ready for penetration, I would say 15 or 20 minutes. Have you tried oral sex?
Google erotic massage and slow things down and Google orgasmic meditation and senate focus therapy. Read the info together and practice new approach with you only focus nights.
Use lubricant and do more foreplay. Listings not enough foreplay for many.
Try getting a little high and see what happens
I would try different things, like vibrators or lube. Additionally you could speak with a sex therapist
Lube is your friend, do you masturbate? Sometimes knowing what actually turns YOU on is the first step. So you watch porn – of so, what type of porn turns you on?
Have you looked into sex therapy for the two of you? They can help you bayer understand how you can reconnect.
Ultimately – are you are you husband?
“Foreplay” can also be the little things that trigger sexual thoughts throughout the day; a kiss here, a grab of the ass there, a cheeky phone message etc. Then the mind gets to do a job on its own. It’s not only what happens right before sex.
It sounds like you’re going from 1st base straight to 4th. Lots in between needed there
Do you orgasm from penetration and during the intercourse in general?
It sounds like he’s trying his best so figure out what you can do to help it’s not just up to him. Try putting on something sexy and turn yourself on first. My favorite go to… just tell him to eat it, experience an orgasm, then everything feels great… and if that fails there’s always toys. 🤷♀️
Are you actually interested in intimacy at the time he initiates? Maybe desire for you just doesn’t work that way and you shouldn’t force it. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself, it doesn’t mean you’re broken.
I am somewhere between ace and demi, so far from allo/‘normal’ but I felt such an ick at what you described. I can’t just be interested in sex on command. Maybe try working on a bond and emotional closeness, and physical affection without the expectation of sex. Like talking, cuddling, feeling safe together. I find that taking away the pressure means that spontaneous desire is more likely to happen.
If he’s your first partner, you perhaps have more to learn about your body and how desire works for you. Even if you’re not ace/demi like me, perhaps there are things that help your level of interest too. You might find you are extra interested when your relationship feels great, you’re ovulating, you’re in a good mental space, you’re feeling confident about your body. Or external things like he had a shower, smells nice, looks extra handsome. If you can figure these things out then you can communicate them to him.
I also wouldn’t rule out that he’s just bad at sex either from being inexperienced or being oblivious to your needs. Also we are told as cis women, by porn, that PIV is ecstasy… but for some people that just isn’t true. If you or he is expecting you to orgasm from it, know that it might not happen. The stats of how few women experience this are quite staggering.
Lots of people need other types of stimulation, foreplay, mental arousal… and for some of us, it’s fine but not the most enjoyable part of intimacy.
This could be age or hormone related to eg perimenopause. As we age, skin looses collagen thereby elasticity but it can be reversed. You might just be low in estrogen which can be easily helped by creams & topical gels that can help with pain / tearing. See a knowledgeable GP or a gynaecologist. It’s extremely common with age & something that isn’t discussed nearly enough.
It sounds like you need better/different/longer foreplay. More than just kissing and hugging. And typically a woman is going to need it for much longer than a man will to enjoy penetration. Is oral sex happening at all?
You may also need to switch things up in general, instead of going about it the same way every time.
As for the mental aspect, near the end of my marriage, I really had to intentionally push myself mentally to focus on physical feel, and stop thinking, because if I logically thought about what I was doing and who I was doing it with, when our marriage was a complete dumpster fire, I’d end up totally disconnected, and I’d just go through the motions to get it over with. Once I learned to focus on feeling (as in, I’d literally be telling myself in my head to just feel, just feel, just feel) and shut everything else out, I could get at least some pleasure out of the experience, even if it was emotionally damaging for me. (That concept obviously wouldn’t be emotionally damaging to people in an otherwise healthy relationship.)
While focusing on feel to distract your brain from thoughts (or from the pressure you’re putting on yourself to make it happen) IS a good move, sex is MUCH more enjoyable when it’s emotionally connective, but half of that responsibility is on your husband. It’s not that there’s something wrong with you, it’s that sex is a team sport, and he needs to be just as involved in figuring out how to make it good for you, as you do.
Take matters into your own hands and show him how you would like things to happen between you. Without showing him that he is too brutal
Or direct. But I think you haven’t been communicating enough for how long
How long have you been together?
Olly Libido pills… i call them my unicorn pills because the shiny bottle … i take one at a time throughout the day for my mood and out loving on my husband or two at once before sex… clears any mental blocks i may have and makes it easier to get super excited when we are ready
Maybe setting the ground rule that no penetration until you call for it.
I.E. foreplay until you say with either your words or with action that you want him in you now.
Perhaps the knowledge that penetration will not happen until you call for it will help you relax.
Being in control.
You may need to work him a bit with your hands or mouth to keep him up. That’s fair. He should enjoy some foreplay and attention as well.