Hi everyone,
I’m 31 and I’ve been with my partner for just over 6 years (living together for 4). Nothing dramatic has happened, no cheating, no big fights, no obvious breaking point. He’s kind, affectionate, and I know he loves me. Which is exactly why I feel so confused.
For a while now, I’ve had doubts I can’t seem to shake. They’re not loud or urgent, more like a quiet feeling in the background that keeps returning. Some weeks it fades, other weeks it feels heavy. And I keep wondering: are doubts in long-term relationships just normal, or does their persistence mean something?
The main thing is that nothing feels bad, but something also doesn’t feel right anymore. I’ve noticed I’ve become more passive over time. I don’t feel excited anymore about things I used to love imagining with him: decorating our apartment, planning trips together, fantasizing about our future. Thinking about those things with us just doesn’t spark much energy anymore.
Marriage is a big example. I used to be genuinely excited about marrying him. We’ve been together over 6 years, but the ring still isn’t there. Probably partly due to money issues, but also because it keeps getting postponed. No clear decision, no real movement. Over time, carrying most of that desire alone has drained a lot of my excitement. It’s not that I don’t believe in marriage, I just don’t feel excited anymore about what it would look like for us.
We also started to differ in how we approach life. I reflect a lot, like planning, and want to move forward; he’s more content staying where things are. I don’t think either of us is wrong, but I’ve noticed I adapt my own wants instead of us growing together.
So, I want to be fair to myself too: part of this is on me. He would support me in theory if I wanted to follow a dream or try something new. But in practice, I still hold myself back. I automatically take him into account, wait for him, slow myself down.. Not because he asks me to, but because we’re so intertwined.
I know many people will say “just talk to him.” I’m not avoiding that. I just don’t feel ready yet, because I don’t know what I’d be asking for. I don’t want to open this up only for him to try to become someone he’s not, or to force enthusiasm that doesn’t naturally exist. And I also know that once I do have this conversation, our dynamic will change, it could be a turning point, or even the beginning of the end. That’s why I want to understand my doubts better first.
At the same time, the idea of leaving feels extreme and terrifying. We’ve built a life together. I’m scared of hurting him, scared of being alone, scared I’ll regret it and realize I overthought everything.
So I’m mainly wondering if others recognize themselves in this:
- Have you experienced this kind of quiet, ongoing doubt in an otherwise loving relationship?
- Did you stay and work through it, or did you eventually leave?
- Looking back, what helped you understand what those doubts were trying to tell you?
I’m not looking for validation to leave or to stay.. just honest experiences from people who’ve been in this place before. ❤️🩹
Thanks for reading.
TL;DR:
31F, in a 6+ year relationship that’s loving and stable, but I’ve been having persistent, quiet doubts. I feel more passive, less excited about our future (marriage, plans, dreaming together), and unsure whether this is normal long-term relationship uncertainty or a sign of deeper misalignment. Looking for people who recognize this and are willing to share what they did and how it turned out.