TL;DR: Living with my boyfriend is proving difficult, but I can't find ways to communicate about it properly.
Hi reddit,
It's my first post on this sub and I'm really struggling right now.
My bf (43M) and I (35F) have been together for about a year. 6 months ago, we moved in together. I moved to his town because I WFH. We both rented an apartment so we'd live together in a new place.
I thought it was the right choice at the time. We were getting along great and were very much in love (Yeah I know, maybe not the best argument at our age after such a short time but that was it mostly). We talked about the future and traveling the world together. It all seemed like a dream and the start of a great adventure.
However, our problems with living together and with communication started almost immediately.
Most of our arguments start from very small daily things, but then there's just no end or common resolution to them ever. In the beginning I just thought it's a hard adjustment because we'd both been single, highly independent, and living alone for a very long time before this, but I don't know anymore.
For context, he's excruciatingly particular about how everything should be done in the household and has taken over 100% of household tasks. Initially he said he feels it's fair because I took on more of the financial load. (He does work a lot, he's just had a rough year money-wise. So I agreed to float most of the bills on months when he can't). He also says he wants to take care of me and treat me well so I won't have to lift a finger. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the thought, considering he feels bad about contributing far less financially at the moment. Or I did appreciate it, but not anymore.
Throughout the months I noticed that there's just no pleasing him anyway. He's obsessive about most things to the point where I'm almost sure he has some form of OCD. But I'm not a therapist, and he doesn't want to see one. (Personally Ive been seeing a therapist for years just for my own mental well-being). Whenever I try to do something, anything, no matter how small, or give input on how things should be done in my opinion, I either get shot down and criticized or he gets super anxious about it. That's in addition to all the small things he criticizes me for because his is the only right way of doing things (like putting my slippers on "wrong" is a big thing, no joke)
Please bear in mind that I'm an adult woman who has been supporting herself for many, many years. I'm a homeowner. I'm hyper-independent. I don't need to be treated like a child in what is supposedly my new home too. I admit to being far more laid back and far less particular than he, but that doesn't make me incapable or uncaring.
He said he's working on being more relaxed about sharing his environment with someone and on being less controlling. But that it won't happen overnight. He blames his anxiety on work stress. I get it, but I'm getting tired of it.
In addition to this, we're bad with communication too. I'm far more "fight" where he's "freeze." When he feels there's conflict incoming, he withdraws. And it usually takes an entire day or more for him to come out of his shell. A lot of the time we just go to sleep and when we wake up he expects everything to be fine because… I don't know. It's another day or something, and feelings apparently reset during the night. They don't. At least not in my case. It's not that I hold a grudge, I just want a problem to have an agreed upon solution. Not for it to be ignored.
I totally admit to losing my cool lately when this happens because it's happened so many times. Then he tells me I'm arguing and he doesn't want to argue. I don't want to "argue" either. I just want my feelings and opinions to be taken into account in the household. But nope, he just withdraws more and expects me to cool down on my own.
At this rate, nothing gets resolved. If I bring up how nothing gets resolved, I'm "arguing" again. Accusing me of arguing only makes me lose my cool more. At some point, he loses his cool too, and then it gets really "fun."
At times I think we are incompatible and should break up. I'm fine being single.
But it's been hard on me to take charge and break up this time. Maybe it's because I've had a very rough year (health issues, job issues, issues with my personal projects etc). To be fair he has been very supportive. He's very caring. Especially when my health issues flare up and I'm very sick. But considering his behavior otherwise, I get the same vibes like I'm the sick child and he's the parent taking care of me.
I suggested living apart. I can easily go back to my own home in my town. I do go sometimes, and I realize it's not very sustainable for me to always be there unless we want a LDR. Needles to say he disagrees about living apart.
I keep hoping things will change and we'll learn to communicate. But I feel like an idiot for hoping. A few days ago I cracked and started packing my bags. There's a lot of stuff to pack though, it would take many days. And we ended up going to sleep. Upon waking up, he simply started cooking, called me to have breakfast, talked about our plans for the day as if nothing had happened. I was dumbfounded. Then when he asked what's wrong I said, same thing as yesterday obviously!! Then of course he got upset and froze me out again all day. Rinse and repeat.
I feel like I'm losing my mind, good people of reddit. And I don't know what I'm waiting for. He's at work right now, I should be packing my bags. Instead I'm hoping like a moron that he'll come back and talk to me for a change of his own initiative, if even just to save the relationship. That he'll say something and try to come up with solutions. That he'll admit emotional labor is a thing too.
But it won't happen. He'll come home pretending everything is fine again and if I'll say anything I'll be "arguing" again.
It's like I'm living in an infinite loop. I do want my old life back, it's just hard right now to pick up the pieces and suck it up and go home to my house where I'm not walking on eggshells, back to my community, and my friends. Living together isn't working out, plain and simple, but I keep staying.
I'm probably at fault too. I just don't know how. The only thing that bothers him is that I "argue." I can't change that though because it's not arguing in my opinion, or it doesn't start that way. It's having an opinion and a spine.
Please help me get unstuck. Please give me any advice. How do I stop hoping it'll get better? I know this is only a small part of the big picture, but is there any hope to be had?
Thanks so much