My boyfriend and I are likely at the end of the road when it comes to our 6 year relationship. While we live together I am the sole financial provider in our relationship and while he works he doesn’t contribute to the household at all in financial terms and sub-minimally in physical terms.
He does have some mental heath issues that contribute to the way we have lived for this long.
I told him on the 30th that I couldn’t do another year of this under any circumstances and things absolutely had to change, his reply was “I don’t know where I’ll be in a month.” In three months none of his behaviors or daily routines have changed, I replied with “I don’t know where I’ll be in a week.”
I won’t lie, my mental state has been poor, I’m not getting a lot of sleep due to anxiety, chest pains, and the financial and emotional stress is taking its toll on me and it has only gotten heavier in the past couple of years. I’m definitely not as nice to him or in general as I was when we first started dating and I can only ever seem to rationalize it to myself.
Mainly that he puts so much stress on me and refuses to assist in any way as well as I don’t see him as reliable in any way due to the way he talks (never gives a definite reply when asked to do something ex: if I ask him to mow the lawn he will only reply with “maybe.”) and never follows through or does anything on his own as he is not very nice to me as well.
He says he feels unheard and unappreciated, I’m finding it hard to find anything to appreciate outside of his companionship and everything he voices concerns about I have to extract from him and can’t get him to explain, verbalize or even say out loud as it might be a “cognito hazard”.
This morning I had an anxiety attack, I told him that everything was too much and it wasn’t fair that I had to solve everything when it comes to finances and that joke he made about me getting a second job last night hurt and wasn’t funny (I told him a week or two earlier that I’d likely need another second job this year which he expressed last year damaged our relationship and was bad for us), that I felt like he doesn’t care.
He was silent and I had to press him for any sort of response.
He said he doesn’t know what to do and that there’s nothing he can do right now and that it feels like I don’t care about him or his feelings.
He’s currently on unpaid leave from work for the past three months due to stress and the need to work on himself.
He’s stressed because I’m unhappy, he’s not where he wants to be in life and that he has some character flaws that he has not expressed or worded to me what they are as well as there are traits of mine that he doesn’t like and needs to figure out if it’s something he can live with which he has also not expressed or worded to me what they are.
In theory he needs this time away from work so he can work on himself by spending time thinking and this will allow him to start helping me both financially and around the house.
Neither of us seems to be able to meet the other’s needs.
Per our own individual words, we’re both in survival mode.
((TLDR?))
The main question I’m here to ask is this:
I always find myself wondering if I’m actually being selfish and disregarding of his feelings or if I’m not and am instead being delusional in tolerating it.
In rare, fleeting and short lived bouts while I’m alone I’ll get in my own head and become apathetic and enraged and just want him out of my house.
These bouts make me doubt myself and what I’m feeling, once I’m clear of them I recognize it as resentment and they usually only occur when he’s done something that upsets me.
I can’t make any demands of him and he can’t handle the stress.
At what point do I know I’m being unreasonable or not and how to I navigate his feelings of being unheard, unappreciated and stressed while I feel like I’m actively drowning in the same thing?
Empathy isn’t something I normally struggle with aside from maybe too much if it, but I’ve felt this same way for so long but it only seems like a valid reason to him for anything now that he’s experiencing it.
I’m trying my best to see all of his feelings as genuine but I keep ending up cynical and sour.
I don’t want to walk away but I know it’s likely the only possible result especially with how resentful I am and with the way everything is and has been, I still want to try.
We tried couples counseling but we couldn’t and can’t afford it in the long run.
8 comments
You’re making each other miserable. You, in particular, are far too young for this.
I could understand this if it was a marriage where you’d been in it for about fifteen years.And had a couple of children together, and it was difficult to get out of. In those circumstances you do what you can to keep your family together.
You don’t know this guy anything. You’re not his wife and he’s not pulling his weight.He leaves the finances to you.He doesn’t care that you’re stressed.He only cares about his own mental health. Honestly, you are so young.Just cut your losses, end it with him.And move on.
You will probably find out who you really are and how unhappy you’ve really been.When you do leave him
Imagine a world without his misery.And without having to support him, yeah.Exactly it’ll be pretty great.
If his mental health issues were actually debilitating, he would be eligible for disability and helping financially. Notice how you ALSO have many mental health issues yet you are able to act like a grown adult? It sounds like he is just a loser. Do with that what you want.
I really appreciate the fairness with which you’re describing this situation. It does seem like you’re carrying a heavy load, which doesn’t negate the fact that he also seems incapable of helping. If you do decide to make a change, after 6 years it won’t be a matter of just waking up one day to a totally different dynamic. It’s going to require a re-framing for both of you. Seek couples therapy. And split the cost of it because if it’s free to either of you, the value will be lost.
Why is it your job to take care of a grown ass man? Dump him. He doesn’t appreciate you as a partner and is using you as a leech. It’s not your job to baby him or his mental health. One of my favorite quotes is: If he wanted to, he would.
Why are you even dating this man child? Unless you like the weird mommy / son dynamic here how is this relationship meeting your needs?
What is he hoping to feel appreciated for? He contributes nothing but procrastination. Id be resentful too if I were you. Why isn’t he contributing? He sounds like he’s avoiding becoming an adult and your left holding the bag. If it were me, I would have dumped him a long time ago. He’s got nothing to pout about except his own lack of initiative. He’s holding you back. Go live your life, without the baggage.
It’s been 6 years. He’s clearly depressed and not getting the professional help he needs. You are drowning and exhausted. You are not being unreasonable. Save yourself. Make him move out. Then he will no longer be your responsibility.
This isn’t sustainable and you know it. You’ve already done the hard part by setting boundaries, but he’s showing you through his actions (or lack of) that he’s not willing to change. I’ve been in a similar headspace with all the anxiety and started using Taro’s Tarot just to process things, but honestly the real issue is that you’re lighting yourself on fire to keep him warm. The chest pains and anxiety attacks are your body screaming at you.. you need to prioritize your own wellbeing here, even if that means making the hard choice to leave.