Hi all, I wanted to say initially that this is a me thing. I know it’s a me thing and I am 100% aware that it is and that it all lies on my perception of it.
My girlfriend and I have been together for a little over a year at this point. This is my first relationship, so I don’t know how to handle this. I can’t make my girlfriend cum through my own actions. it isn’t for lack of effort: I have used my fingers and my hands and my mouth until the muscles are spasming because they’re hurting so much. Anytime I start to get her kind of close, she shuts it down because she finds the whole experience overwhelming due to sensory overload. When that happens, we bring it back down and I have to start from the ground up again and she will at times then use a vibrator afterwards to cum. At times, it has been disheartening.
The only time she can ever finish is when she uses a showerhead, her vibrator, or she plays with herself. I’ve asked her what to do for me to help and she’s not even sure herself so I’ve started to experiment and enjoys it but seldom does that ever get all that close. She’ll just start and then I’m a part of the process, but never the reason why she is able to climax.
I know that so many women are unable to finish without the help of a vibrator and I get that it’s supposed to be my friend, but I really resent it at times. It’s not a her issue, it’s a me issue and I view it as a skill issue honestly.
She has told me that sex is more than an orgasm and I believe that. She says she enjoys me being a part of the process and I believe that. She has said that on some occasions she has finished because I was there and I believe that. With that being said, selfishly, I want to be the one who gets her over the hump. There have been times where it’s close and then I lose it and then I never get it close again. In the whole time that we’ve been dating, I can think of maybe four times where I got her close. In the moment when she is able to cum with the vibrator or shower head, I never care, I’m always happy to see her orgasm. However, when I think about it when I’m not with her at times, it does bug me.
One of my things for New Year’s is to be more honest with her about my thoughts in my feelings. I’m never not honest, but I definitely hide certain things because in this particular instance, she is already in her own head about it most of the time and so I don’t want to add any extra pressure but at times these weigh on me. Because of this, I feel inadequate. I don’t I feel like I’m to give her the same thing that I get from her and it makes me feel inadequate. As a result, there are some times when I can make sex last longer by me not finishing, so I don’t or make it take longer than normal (not to any level of creating pain or discomfort) even though she appreciates finishing faster at some times. I care about her and just about every other part of our relationship is good but this has been weighing on me.
I always make sure that she feels safe and comfortable so that is never an issue as far as I know. She has mentioned having mental blocks before but never mentioned if they go away or not. This can sometimes affect her when she is playing with herself so it's definitely not only with me.
Is this worth brining up and if so how would it be best to do so?
TL:DR having trouble making girlfriend cum making me feel inadequate at times, not sure if it is worthwhile to bring it up