Hi, English isn’t my first language, so I’m sorry for any mistakes.
I (20F) am an only child and I’m only close to a few cousins on my father’s side. One of them (25F) shares the same birthday as me. For the past few years, we’ve had a tradition of celebrating our birthdays together at my parents’ house.
When they visit, my cousin comes with her husband and their 3-year-old child. Another cousin (19M), who I’m also close to, usually joins us. They normally stay at our house for about 4–5 days. The celebration itself isn’t fancy—just food, cake, games, and spending time together. This only happens during our shared birthday and sometimes at Christmas.
This tradition started because my cousin and her husband no longer have parents. Over time, my parents became parental figures to them, and they genuinely treat my parents as their own. They also treat me like their younger sister. As an only child, celebrating my birthday with just my parents feels a bit lonely, so celebrating together has always meant a lot to me.
Recently, my mom (53F) has been insisting that we stop celebrating our birthdays together and just do separate celebrations. I believe this is connected to the ongoing tension between her and my cousin that started after my cousin had a child.
When they visit, the house naturally becomes louder and messier because of the child. My mom feels that, as a mother, my cousin should be more proactive in cleaning up after her child. She’s also uncomfortable with late nights when we stay up bonding or playing games, especially because she feels the child gets affected by the lack of sleep.
Another issue is that my cousin grew up as the only daughter in her family and wasn’t taught much about household chores. Her husband is very capable and does most of the housework. My mom disapproves of this and sees my cousin as being too dependent on her husband. She’s even warned me not to grow up the same way.
From my perspective, though, my cousin and her family are not a burden when they stay with us. We split expenses, and sometimes they even spend more than we do. They’re also not frequently at our house—this only happens on special occasions.
One of my mom’s concerns is that my cousin’s siblings might think we want her family to always be at our house, or that they can’t visit her on her birthday because she’s with us. However, even if the celebration were held at my cousin’s home, it would still be unlikely for her siblings to attend due to their work schedules.
My dad doesn’t see a problem with them coming over. He often tells my mom that they come to us because we’re the only parents they really have, and that we should just let it be since it only happens once in a while.
Another important detail is that our shared birthday is next week. Because of this, I feel pressured and unsure of what to do. I don’t know whether I should push for the tradition one last time, adjust the celebration to keep the peace, or accept my mom’s decision even though it hurts. I also don’t know how to tell my cousin that they shouldn’t come to our house, since this has been a tradition for five years, and it would feel like I’m canceling something meaningful to them. The timing makes it harder to think clearly, and I’m afraid that whatever I choose will upset someone.
Because of all this, I feel hurt and confused. This doesn’t feel like it’s just about birthdays or household issues anymore—it feels like my mom is rejecting a family bond that we’ve built over many years. I want to respect my mom, but I also don’t want to lose something that’s very meaningful to me and to my cousin’s family. How do I handle this situation without damaging my relationship with my mom or causing more conflict in our family?
TL;DR:
My cousin and I share the same birthday and have celebrated together at my parents’ house for 5 years. They bring their small family, stay a few days, and split costs. My mom now wants us to stop this tradition, even though my dad and I don’t see a problem. Our birthday is next week, and I don’t know how to respect my mom while also keeping the tradition and not upsetting my cousin.
EDIT
I want to clear up some recurring assumptions in the comments.
First, my mom is not an introvert who gets exhausted by hosting. She is the most extroverted person I know. She loves having people over, loves hosting, and has no problem with other relatives or friends staying in our house for several days. She’s even expressed wanting to adopt and raise other relatives’ children. Hosting itself is not the issue.
The issue with past family trauma involves my dad’s brother, not my mom’s side of the family. Despite that, my mom’s problem is specifically and only with my cousin. It’s one-sided. Everyone else in the family gets along with her.
Some comments are calling my cousin lazy. She isn’t. That’s just how my mom still sees her, like the teenager she used to be, not the adult and mother she has grown into.
My mom has very strict personal standards. When something doesn’t meet those standards, she reacts strongly and wants things done only her way.
To those saying I should celebrate at my cousin’s house or “just bring my mom with me”: that isn’t an option. My mom doesn’t like my cousin and refuses to go there. If I celebrate with them instead, she would still be angry—both about me going and about choosing to celebrate with them at all. That’s why changing the location doesn’t actually solve the issue.
For those asking why I don’t “just talk to her”: I do. Calmly. Always. She doesn’t listen, she only listens to herself and believes she’s always right.
To the “just move out, you’re 20” comments: we have different cultures. It’s completely normal here to live with your parents until you finish college and have a job, some even stay until they have their own families. Being 20 doesn’t automatically mean independence.
And yes, this is my parents’ house, but it’s also my home. When my mom wants to invite people over, my dad and I don’t get a say. We’re both introverts, but we adjust because she enjoys hosting.
Also, I’ve already stopped arguing about this with my mom because I know it will never end. We don’t even mention the birthday anymore, and we’ve already decided not to hold the celebration in our house. Despite that, my mom keeps calling other relatives to talk about the issue.
I understand that maybe she wants me to have a celebration that’s “just mine,” but it’s my birthday, and I should get to choose who I celebrate it with. I want to celebrate with my family. All of them. It hurts that my mom doesn’t see them the same way.