I’m 22F and my Bf is 25M. We have been together for 4 years.
Main Issues – for 4 years my Bf and I have the same issue with each other:
– My Bf’s issue is I get mad too much and make him feel like he’s walking on eggshells.
– My issue is he’s never making my feelings a priority.
I need tips or advice for my situation, (unfortunately, even if it is to breakup).
I asked him to call me during New Years so we could celebrate together, because we’re long distance and never get to do the couple traditions (kissing on new years, etc). This is the first time I have asked him to call during new years. He’s always spent it with his friends or family, so it’s not like I ask every year. He didn’t call me during new years, in fact, He didn’t call me the whole day. We called the next day, and I explained to him that him not calling hurt me because I emphasized that calling during new years would make me happy and it would make me sad if he never called at least to wish me a happy new years. He told me he was sorry but in a “I’d rather say sorry than do anything about it.”
To give a little cookie to me, I put in effort to show improvement with his main issue and refrained from getting mad. I explained that it hurt, but it’s okay and I love him.
This information above is context for my example of what our 4 year loop looks like.
Additional notes- He has this friend, 30F. Me and him have agreed that she flirts with him, and he even tells me stuff she does to him and other guys specifically in a relationship, that wouldn’t align in my values for a relationship.
Because of this, I asked him if he could distance himself from her as she has insulted me by calling me names and clearly stepping over boundaries I was not comfortable with, to which he agreed.
Moving forward, his group (including her) and him are going on a trip to Hawaii, and he asked me if I wanted to go with them. I said sure, but I told him my boundaries which was:
1) can you please defend me if she or anyone else outwardly disrespects me?
2) can you please defend the relationship if she crosses boundaries again?
He said yes. I also asked if we could do little things together alone, obviously not for the majority of the trip, but just for an hour or so 1 or 2 days being that I never been to Hawaii, and I would love to do little things together. I feel like his tone was defensive as he asked “but I can still hang out with the group right?”
This is where I am at fault, I replied, “why wouldn’t you be able to hangout with your friends? I said 1 or 2 hours…not even…” in lash out. My tone sounded like I was talking down to him (which I was) because I was angry. This isn’t justified, but just my reasoning, I do feel I responded that way because I was still a bit hurt from the previous New Year’s Eve incident, plus the whole friend thing.
He then began to defend his friends, told me he doesn’t want a wife his friends hate…and this is where I feel like he puts my feelings as a second priority. When she called me names or blatantly disrespected me, he didn’t defend me, but is now defending her.
And when I defended myself, he told me that “she was above me “ in terms of how I respond. Granted, how I defended myself wasn’t the best as I said some things I didn’t mean to her.
When he defended his friends, I got even more angry. I started to be disrespectful and make faces. I told him things like “your friends are druggies…” and said mean things just to feel powerful. (I now know I was really jealous because he stood up for them and was just lashing out).
So here’s where the 4 year loop is. Me getting mad, him being inconsiderate (or however you would describe that).
He got upset, said he’s unhappy with us…and I agree. I’m unhappy too. But we agree we love each other. We recognize that if things don’t get better between us, we will have to unfortunately walk away. But I’m willing to be better, even if it takes harsh criticism. To be fair I would also love a sprinkle of reassurance from you guys, but I do want to be better. Even if it’s just for general purposes.
With that being said, any advice…any tips?
TL;DR! 22F/25M together 4 years. Our recurring issue is I get angry/reactive and he’s often inconsiderate. A major trigger is his female friend (30F) who flirts with him, has insulted me, and crosses boundaries. He agreed to distance himself. Now there’s a Hawaii group trip with her; he invited me. I asked for basic boundaries: defend me if I’m disrespected and spend 1–2 short chunks of time alone together during the trip. He responded in a way that felt defensive (“I can still hang with the group, right?”). I snapped back. Now he says he’s unhappy; I am too, but we both still love each other and want to see if we can fix this. Looking for advice on improving communication, boundaries, and whether this relationship is salvageable.