I've been with my partner for a decade and a half. We generally are very close and get on well, but as long as we've been together she's had severe problems with anxiety and her response to stress.
The triggering factors have varied overt the years, but are generally life factors, e.g.:
- Work stress
- Her son's behavioural challenges
- Stress of buying a house
- Me being away from home
- Extended family issues
All of these are, of course, completely valid things to be concerned about. But the issue is that her behaviour when under such stress becomes extremely challenging, including:
- General moroseness/shutting down
- Catastrophising
- Being excessively controlling of me/her son, and prone to anger when she doesn't get her way or people become defensive.
- Meltdowns and "hair trigger" arguments
I've tried talking to her about this on so many occasions, always being careful to emphasise that her concerns are valid, but trying to gently broach the idea that perhaps, her reactions to stress are not healthy. In my view she suffers from underlying anxiety which whilst exacerbated by stressful situations, is more projected onto rather than caused by them. It's certainly been a recurring pattern over the years, and no matter how often the situation changes (new jobs, new house, me never going anywhere without her anymore), it never seems to be long before a new "crisis" appears.
I've tried suggesting therapy on many occasions, not only when at a crisis point. But this is something she roundly rejects, as she seems to see seeking help as an admission that there's something wrong with her, and maintains that all of her behaviour is 100% because of things other people have done, or are happening in her life.
I feel completely stuck. Is there realistically anything which can be done for somebody stuck in this mindset? It's reached the point where I don't think she's going to change or get help, but I feel she'd fall apart completely if I left.