I’m 20 F, and my boyfriend is 21 M. We both come from Indian backgrounds, where it’s very common for wives to move in with their husband’s family after marriage. My boyfriend and I have been dating for about eight months, and while that isn’t very long, I’ve been thinking a lot about my future and want to make sure we’re aligned.
I come from a fairly non-traditional family. My dad lost his parents at a young age and largely raised himself doing a lot of cooking, cleaning etc. In my home, both of my parents work, my dad mainly does the cooking and cleaning as my mom works an exec corporate job which demands a lot of hours (and she honestly doesn't enjoy cooking). My parents have never pressured my sister or me to get married; instead, they’ve always emphasized education, career growth, independence, and personal experiences like travel. Whenever my sister or I have had partners, my parents have wanted to meet them and welcome them into our home. They’ve encouraged us to explore the world and build lives that feel right to us. My dad does have some health issues, which makes it especially important to me to stay close to my parents, so the responsibility of caring for him doesn’t fall entirely on my mom. Overall, I have a very strong relationship with my parents. They are incredibly loving, supportive, and empowering.
My boyfriend also has a wonderful relationship with his parents. They truly seem very kind and have raised two thoughtful, respectful sons. His family is more traditional though. His mom stopped working before he was born due to health issues, and his dad has a strong career that supports the family. His brother is currently seeing someone and plans to introduce her to the family soon, with the intention of beginning the marriage process. After marriage, his brother and future wife would live with his parents, and my boyfriend also hopes to live with his parents after marriage. He has shared that he and his brother often talk about living together forever, and that his dad takes pride in having built a strong foundation to set his children up for success. In their family, it’s also not typical to introduce a girlfriend to the parents unless marriage is being seriously considered (only then do both families meet to finalize details).
I understand his perspective deeply, because the way he feels about his parents is the same way I feel about mine. Also, I completely understand the desire to stay close to home, especially given his mom’s health concerns. That understanding makes me want to be flexible and open to what he wants. At the same time, I find myself questioning why it feels like I would be the only one expected to compromise, leaving my parents and my sister behind, while he would get to stay with his family. My parents also need support, and I struggle with the idea that their needs would automatically come second, even if he says they won't. Also, what I struggle with is the expectation that both sons (and their wives, and eventually children) would all live in the same home. If the intention is to set your children up for success and reduce hardship, I wonder why that support couldn’t instead be used to help us get a home close to both his parents and mine. I’m also very close with my sister (the same if not more than him and his brother), and while we sometimes dream about living together forever, we were raised with the understanding that life may take us in different directions and into different homes.
There are also more personal considerations for me. I’ve always dreamed of having my own home, a space I can decorate, make my own, and grow into (married or not). If I were to live with my in-laws, I would worry about how much autonomy I would realistically have: decorating the space, having friends over, displaying physical affection and navigating multiple opinions in one household. These things may seem small, but they matter to me because they shape what day-to-day married life would look like. I’ve tried to think of compromises, such as only moving in after I’ve had the chance to live independently or own my own home for a period of time before marriage, so I still feel like my needs are being met.
I also recognize that living with more people than just your spouse can provide a lot of support (financially, emotionally, and eventually with raising children), but those same benefits could also come from living with or near my own parents. I’m not opposed to the idea entirely, but I would need more time to know his parents well before feeling comfortable living with them and raising children in that environment, but it's not common to be introduced well in advance in his family.
I love him deeply, and he is genuinely one of the most thoughtful and respectful people I know. He’s aware of how important family is to me and understands my relationship with my parents. I’m not trying to dismiss his values or traditions, but rather understand them more fully. If anyone can offer insight into why these things might be so important to him, or advice on how to navigate this conversation with care and clarity, I would really appreciate it.
TLDR: We’re both very close to our families, but we come from different family structures. His family is more traditional and expects both sons to live with their parents after marriage, while my family values independence and flexibility, and it’s important to me to stay close to my own parents as well. I understand his desire to live at home and want to be flexible, but I struggle with feeling like I’d be the only one expected to compromise by leaving my family behind. I also value having autonomy as a couple building our own home, setting boundaries, and creating our own space. I’m open to compromise (timelines, proximity, or living arrangements), but I want a solution that feels balanced and respects both of our families equally.