I [26F] have been with my boyfriend [29M] for almost two years. Before me, he was extremely unmotivated and hadn’t even started any kind of job. With my help (writing applications, encouraging him, etc.), he finally started an apprenticeship at 28. Back then, I didn’t realize what a red flag it was that I had to do all of this for him (mostly because I had never been in a relationship before).
Sometimes I feel more like his mother than his partner, since I have to remind him of everything. I am ahead of him both career-wise and mentally/emotionally. In many ways, he seems stuck at the maturity level of a 16-year-old. His general knowledge used to be really bad and has only improved slightly recently.
He doesn’t have much money, so he can barely do anything for me. The biggest issue for me is that in his free time he does nothing but play video games. No hobbies, no initiative, nothing else. I do love him, and I don’t want to break up. I’m very attached to him. I can also see that he is trying and that he loves me, but for me, that is absolutely not enough.
Sometimes I feel like he’s only making an effort because he’s afraid I’ll leave him. He has a strong fear of abandonment and struggles to make decisions on his own. I’m honestly writing this out of pure desperation.
I don’t know whether he will actually change in the future or not, and that makes me feel hopeless. I want to talk to him about how unhappy I am with our current situation, but I don’t know how to do it without everything shutting down.
Our biggest communication problem is that he becomes very defensive and withdrawn very quickly, while I am a very emotional person and tend to express things openly. This dynamic makes it extremely hard to have honest conversations without them turning into silence or conflict.
Is there still hope for us? How can I communicate my feelings and needs in a way that doesn’t make him shut down, but also doesn’t mean I keep suppressing myself?