I (28M) ended a 6–7 month relationship with my girlfriend (26F) a little over a month ago, and I’m struggling with guilt and doubt about how I handled it.
She wasn’t a bad partner at all. She was affectionate, funny, emotionally open, and we shared a deep level of intimacy. We talked about marriage and kids, and I genuinely loved her.
I’m very structured and future-oriented. I think long-term, I’m disciplined about how I live, and I want to build a stable foundation before starting a family. She lives much more in the moment. She’s spontaneous, impulsive, very freedom-driven. I originally thought this was just a personality difference.
Over time, certain things started bothering me. She would occasionally pursue cocaine while we were together. She didn’t see smoking while drunk or impulsive late-night tattoos as concerning. To her they were personal choices, but to me they signaled judgment and long-term compatibility. For months, I wasn’t allowed to see her car, and later I wasn’t allowed into her apartment. Her explanation was that both were very messy and she was deeply embarrassed by them, which I believe, but it still made me feel shut out of her real life. When I tried to express concern, she framed it as me trying to control her rather than care about her wellbeing.
I mostly observed instead of confronting because I didn’t want to be the guy who tries to change his partner. I don’t believe people truly change unless they want to. I felt that if I asked her to change, it would only be temporary.
Thanksgiving was the breaking point. I realized the anxiety I’d been carrying for months wasn’t leaving my body. Two days before I ended things, she asked if I saw a future with us. I said yes even though I wasn’t sure, because I knew if I said no, the relationship would end immediately.
A few days later, I ended it. I didn’t give a list of grievances. I told her I loved her but didn’t think we were aligned long-term.
Now I’m left with guilt and grief over the loss of the intimacy we had, and I’m questioning whether I should have communicated differently rather than quietly observing and then leaving.
TL;DR I (28M) ended a 6–7 month relationship with my girlfriend (26F) despite loving her because of value misalignment, occasional drug use, and feeling shut out of parts of her life. I didn’t want to try to change her, so I mostly observed and then ended it. Now I’m struggling with guilt and wondering if I handled it in a healthy way.
What are practical ways to stop replaying this decision and second-guessing myself when I logically believe I made the right choice but emotionally feel like I abandoned something good?