I’ve been with my girlfriend for nearly two years, and lately I’ve been feeling very underappreciated and emotionally drained. I love her, but I’m starting to question whether this relationship is healthy for me, and I don’t know what to do next.
We met on Tinder, and early on I put in a lot of effort—dates, paying for things, planning outings—because I genuinely enjoy doing that for someone I care about. Our first date went really well, and I felt hopeful. However, some things she told me at the beginning weren’t true. She said she had a job and was close to getting her license, which wasn’t the case, and a few weeks in she admitted she was struggling with a meth addiction. I avoid meth completely, so I gave her an ultimatum: quit, or I couldn’t continue the relationship. She agreed, but continued using for a while, which led to frequent arguments and emotional stress. I grew up with emotional abuse, so conflict like that affects me deeply.
Over time, things appeared to improve, and I tried to focus on enjoying life together—holidays, dinners, experiences—but I’m not financially well-off, and I was covering almost everything. Around that time, she was kicked out of her home and stayed with me for over a month. That’s when I really saw our lifestyle differences.
She would stay up all night gaming and sleep most of the day. I handled all the cooking and most of the cleaning, while also working full-time. I’d come home exhausted to find nothing had changed during the day. I became increasingly frustrated but avoided confrontation and instead coped with the booze.
Now, nearly two years in, this dynamic hasn’t changed much. She has her own place and technically has a job, but she’s only worked a few shifts in over a month. She still doesn’t have her license, even though I bought her a car to help motivate her, so I continue doing all the driving. When she comes over, she mostly sleeps. Our intimacy has declined significantly, and she expects me to initiate everything while putting in very little effort herself.
I still cook, clean, drive, plan, and try to make her happy. I’ve told her directly that I feel used and underappreciated, but nothing has changed. She is kind and has a good heart, and I don’t want to speak badly about her—but I’m starting to feel more like a caretaker than a partner.
I’m struggling to figure out whether this is something that can realistically improve, or if I’m staying out of love and hope rather than reality. How do you know when you’re supporting someone versus enabling them? And at what point is it okay to choose yourself and walk away?
PS I AM NOT PERFECT I HAVE MY FUCKEN FLAWS TOO I can elaborate if interested
Any advice would be appreciated.
I'm terrible a writing so chatgbt helped