(26F) and (26M)
Hi Reddit, I need some perspective.
During Christmas, his mom gifted us a KitchenAid. I said, “Aw, this is so sweet (now I feel bad because I don’t hang out with you guys much),” to show appreciation and acknowledge that I haven’t been spending much time with them.
A few days later, I found out she was upset that I had said I’d been “avoiding” them. The problem? She didn’t come to me directly—she went straight to her son, my boyfriend, and only then did I find out.
I tried calling her to address it, but she didn’t answer. I texted, and she ignored me, responding only to my boyfriend instead. I ended my text politely, saying I wouldn’t be upset and she could handle it how she wanted.
This isn’t a one-time thing. His mom gossips complaints about me. Anytime she has an issue, concern, or criticism about me, she goes through her son instead of addressing me directly. It feels manipulative, disrespectful, and puts my boyfriend in the middle. I’m 26 and a grown adult—if she has a problem, she should speak to me directly, not treat me like a child who can’t handle honesty.
On top of that, she was a stay-at-home mom for most of her life and now works. She’s been saying that my boyfriend shouldn’t be the one paying all the bills, even though he works a 40-hour job and supplements his income with a disability check. This feels extremely unfair and presumptuous—she is inserting herself into our finances and household decisions while bypassing me in communication.
Another thing: she’s implied that she should be able to come over to our house whenever she wants because she doesn’t feel welcomed. Her house is the main family hub—it’s where all the events happen, everyone goes there, and she rarely reaches out to us first. I don’t understand why she expects unrestricted access to my home when she doesn’t even extend basic communication herself.
I want healthy communication and boundaries: if she has a concern or complaint, it should come to me directly. I shouldn’t have to hear about my own life through her son, nor be made to feel guilty for expecting basic respect and adult behavior.
Reddit, am I overreacting for expecting her to communicate with me directly instead of gossiping complaints to my boyfriend, and for not giving her free rein to our home?
TL;DR: His mom gossips complaints about me to my boyfriend instead of talking to me directly, thinks it’s unfair that he’s the only one working even though he works 40 hours a month plus gets a disability check, and expects access to our home whenever she wants. I’m 26 and want healthy communication and boundaries. Am I overreacting for expecting her to speak to me directly and respect our home?