Been together one and a half years.
It's been almost a month since my last post. (TLDR; I looked at my boyfriend's chat with his best friend on day 6 of a 12-day vacation, saw that they kept sending pictures of attractive women (idols, YouTubers, influencers, etc)back and forth, with some where my bf reacted with emojis like "🥵". I stopped looking very quickly because I felt really sick. Confronted him about it, but he was largely emotionally unresponsive/obviously did not feel like it was a big deal. I said I wanted a break once we're home but he refused, reluctantly apologised and said he'd stop.)
The night after we had the initial argument and I made the previous post, we had a much larger fight. Worst by far in our entire relationship. I was mentally out of it and exhausted the whole day. When we finally got to the hotel that night, I kind of dissociated and just laid on the bed staring at the ceiling. He tried to cuddle and when he saw that I wasn't really responsive, he just laid down next to me and stared at me. After literally almost an hour of staring I told him that if he had nothing to say, I was going to say something. I told him that I've thought about it and still wanted a break after we get home. And I told him I felt betrayed, because I've made it clear again and again throughout our relationship that I was not okay with this kind of stuff. I gave an example of how literally last week I sent him a thread about how despicable and hurtful husbands who follow a bunch of sexy women on Instagram are.
At this point I was close to crying, so my hands were up and covering my face. He suddenly grabbed both of my wrists and pulled my hands downwards kind of aggressively, which scared me a bit. He became very defensive and said it wasn't the same situation at all, and it quickly became the worst argument we've ever had. I honestly don't remember most of the details because I might have blocked them out, but I remember he accused me of making him feel "judged" for liking kpop idols, and said something about how it doesn't matter if he changes his behaviour because I'll still hold a silent grudge whenever he's scrolling his instagram feed next to me and an idol pops up. He said that the gross emojis he reacted to the posts with were just pictures that didn't mean anything. He said his friend had tickets last September to go to a girl group's concert, but chose not to because he knew I'd be upset (He never told me this, and I honestly would much rather he go to some fucking concert than do this shit).
He also said that they only send each other photos of the kpop idols because they have really good music. At this point I couldn't really believe what I was hearing, so I asked him if he shares female youtubers photos because their videos are so entertaining? Or if they shares female models’s posts to each other because they're so photogenically talented? He shut up after that.
I honestly barely remember what else I said. I was crying and cursing and raising my voice, and this was the first time he has seen me like this. I told him I never give him attitude or get loud ever even when we've argued before – the most I'd do is cry – and yet he always gets really mean and defensive whenever we argue about anything, and it always makes me feel so lonely. I feel like I am trying to fix a problem in our relationship and he is trying to win the goddamn argument. I told him I wanted to break up. I wasn’t wearing my glasses so i couldn’t see what his facial expression was when I said that, but i remember he just kind of flung his his hand up really exaggeratedly in exasperation.
I don’t remember how the fight ended but he went quiet after a while and basically crawled to me from the other side of the bed and hugged me and wouldn’t let me go. He said something about how our cat couldn't have only one parent or something like that and started crying. I was so fucking tired and I remember I couldn't think straight. I just wanted it all to end so I hugged him back and we "made up". We had sex after that.
It's been about three weeks since then and I've largely tried to keep things normal between us. Whenever I think about our argument I feel so pathetic. I should have left him. I remember I was bawling my eyes out on the first night and he just left our hotel room in the middle of me sobbing to retrieve our laundry from the laundromat. I remember when he came back, I was still crying in the corner and he just started silently folded the clothes and kept glancing at the comedy show on the TV. I felt like a child. I feel so pathetic when I think about how the argument went. It always feels like he's trying to win the argument or prove he's right. And he can get so fucking mean when we argue.
Lately the resentment has just kept building up. I thought I could get over the situation, but I don't think I can. I do love this man and when things are good, they can be really good. But sometimes when I'm with him, I feel like my chest is really heavy. I can't help it but sometimes his touch just disgusts me. It's repulsive. I don't tell him but it feels so wrong and I just feel bad when he tries to compliment me or give me physical affection. He never used to compliment me this much and I've always wanted it, but now it just feels fake and gross. Sometimes I come across his liked posts on instagram of his celebrity crushes. I used to just ignore them, but now, they kind of trigger something in me and I get reminded all over again and feel really depressed instantly. I am so insecure now.
Despite it all I do love him. And I really don't want to leave the cat. But I am so unhappy in this relationship and I really wish I have the guts to leave. I'm a bit mad at myself for not standing my ground and leaving when we had the argument. I also get upset at the thought of being single again and losing him but I really don't want to spend years of my life like this. Even if I do get over the initial issue, I need to be able to feel safe and understood even when we have disagreements. I feel so lonely when we argue and I know that's not normal. I'm really tired and I'm so depressed.
TLDR; Don't trust my bf anymore after looking at his phone and seeing that he consistently shares pictures of attractive women with his friend to each other. Very ugly argument which made me feel extremely lonely and exhausted. I don't think this relationship is a safe place for my emotions. Thought I could get over it, but it's getting worse and worse and I am not only feeling extremely depressed lately, but also starting to feel repulsed by his attempts at affection.