Throw away account-first time post, rambling and long.
My therapist said I need to find people who have experienced a similar situation and join a community. I (35F) was married over 4 yrs to my husband (38M) and together for over 13 yrs and have a toddler together. This yr one night he told me he wanted to separate. We talked, he told me, “our relationship was not right” we both cried. Nothing more I could do to save our marriage. The next morning I left and took our toddler away, with his permission, and promised we would both return shortly. He told me we needed some space to heal separately and that the door wasn’t closed on our marriage. While I was away he told me it’s over and this would end in divorce.
I trusted this man who became my husband entirely, literally with my life (when I gave birth) and believed with my entire heart and soul that he was a good man. O still believe him to be a good man, who has done some supremely shitty things. Turns out he has cheated on me, off and on, for years during our relationship, marriage and my pregnancy. He has lied to me, manipulated me, broken my heart and what I consider the worst broke the family we created together apart. I could have never fathomed that I would be where I am in my life right now.
Everything isn’t all his fault:
I was codependent, anxious, depressed, dealing with the tail end of postpartum, isolating myself and relying on him to be my everything. It was too much, for him. He never wanted to be home or talk with me, we rarely had sex.
4-months post separation:
I am nowhere near ready to open myself up to find another partner anytime soon. He will be an ever present dad (all though only part-time, not primary caretaker) hopefully in my child’s life, so I will be forced to forever have him in my life. Which I hope will be beneficial for my child.
His is a therapist, has performed marriage counseling for others but yet, never once went to couples counseling with me. He started a sexual relationship while I was away and now she is his girlfriend. I know I am stronger than him and that I am an extremely capable person and I try to be the best mom. But emotionally, when I am alone with myself I feel fragile, weak, full of self pity. I need to become stronger on my own, for myself and my child. I know it takes time, but any advice would be appreciated.