TL;DR:
My best friend has a long history of reacting strongly or asking me to step back when men in my life are involved. Recently, she asked me not to hook up with a mutual friend and avoided explaining why. Given this pattern and where I am after a breakup, I’m unsure whether to address this directly or let it go, and how to set boundaries without damaging the friendship.
Hi everyone, I’d really appreciate some advice on a friendship situation that’s been bothering me.
I (30F) recently went through the breakup – my engagement ended about six months ago. Since then, I’ve been grieving and focusing on recovery, and only recently started feeling ready to be social again. I’m not looking for a serious relationship right now, just open to casual dating/sex. My best friend of 13 years (29F) knows this.
This weekend, we’re visiting a friend (30M) we’ve both known for many years. Nothing has ever happened between me and him. There was an attraction years ago on his side that was never acted upon and eventually faded, but it was something people were aware of at the time. He very recently broke up with his long-term girlfriend. I’m not planning to hook up with him this weekend, but the dynamic around it has made me uneasy.
Before the trip, my friend messaged me (half joking, half serious):
“haha just please don’t f**k each other”
I replied:
“Not that I was planning anything, but why?”
She changed the topic and didn’t answer.
This comment wouldn’t bother me so much if it weren’t part of a larger pattern in our friendship and some additional context.
About eight years ago, my friend and this male friend had a brief romantic/sexual involvement. They slept together and dated very briefly for a week (mostly long-distance), and then he ended it. After that, they were friendly for a while, but later lost contact for years when he entered another relationship. They only reconnected as friends about a year and a half ago.
She’s currently in a stable, long-term relationship.
This situation also echoes earlier dynamics in our friendship:
First instance: Years ago, she asked me not to pursue a guy she wasn’t really interested in but she wanted to “keep him as an option.” I respected that and stepped back. Nothing happened between them at the time; she only ended up dating him a couple of years later.
• Second instance: Later on, she stopped speaking to me for over two months because a guy she had liked back in school (years earlier) showed interest in me while we were already in our third year at university. Nothing had ever happened between them, he had never reciprocated her feelings, and she had dated other people in the meantime but this particular guy remained a long-standing fantasy for her. I tried repeatedly to talk it through and told her I wouldn’t date him if she didn’t want me to. She said “do whatever you want,” then completely stonewalled. Only after prolonged silence did I eventually date him. He later became my long-term partner and fiancé, my only serious relationship.
What added to my discomfort this time is that right after learning this male friend had broken up, she broke her own previously stated gift-budget rules and bought him something very personal and symbolic – a gift closely tied to his identity and creative passion. The timing made her comment feel less like a joke and more territorial.
I don’t want to blow up a long-term friendship, but I’m increasingly uncomfortable with feeling like I need to pre-limit my own behavior to manage her emotions, especially now. After a long, defining relationship, I’m in the process of rebuilding my sense of self and autonomy, and I don’t want to keep shrinking myself or second-guessing my choices to keep the peace.
What I’d really appreciate advice on: How would you handle this kind of repeating pattern in a close friendship? Would you address it directly, or let it go unless it escalates? If you would address it, how would you do so without turning it into a fight or power struggle?
I care about her deeply and value our shared history, but I also want to move forward in a way that doesn’t require me to make myself smaller, especially at a moment when I’m trying to re-establish who I am after a long-term relationship.