I was misassigned female at birth due to micropenis and began living as male at 15 after moving away with my parents. When I developed mental health issues around 18, my parents reacted poorly, at one point threatening to disown me for seeing a school therapist. They were intensely worried about confidentiality and discouraged dating because they feared the wrong girl could disclose my condition and damage my social life.
I’m now 24. I’ve had one relationship, which I ended once I was near-certain we were long-term incompatible; in hindsight, I chose “safety” over what I actually wanted. My mother insists my chances of finding a lifelong spouse are only 1–5%. She believes the ambitious, responsible, socially confident women I’m attracted to (e.g., consulting/banking/law) have little incentive to marry these days without the expectation of children. I also don’t know whether I’m fertile, and my mother said that uncertainty about sperm quality (test results may not be reliable since my parents' genes looked fine), in addition to reluctance to adopt a child, could be a dealbreaker for many.
On top of that, she said my past and lack of family makes me emotionally “heavy" and complex and that a partner would feel the stakes of hurting/leaving me. I ask for nothing more than a close friend and teammate in a spouse, but a hard-working woman may well come home from work and not see the point of dealing with all that. And this burden would raise the financial bar for me (although a $1 million salary would probably attract the wrong women). Even women who say they don’t want kids in their 20s may change their minds later. My parents are also anxious about the social/professional fallout of a breakup or divorce in the digital age, especially if I pursue corporate leadership roles. I'm wrapping up my graduate degree and am planning to attend business school in a few years.
So sometimes I wonder if I'd be safer not reaching my full potential and staying low-key, but then I think if I'm romantically doomed it would be a pity to not pursue a career I'm really interested in. I was hoping to find someone of similar "caliber" with a slightly lower salary, but I'm starting to think there's no point in marrying me with such a small margin. I used to believe I could date someone a little younger with a pure and kind heart in my twenties and we'd love each other and want to go through the rest of life together…we'd figure something out in regards to children. But my mother keeps saying I'm naive. Perhaps I'm overvaluing personality. And it's sad when I'm considered above-average looking, have six-pack abs, am about to make 150K a year, and usually have one girl a year in my social circle express romantic interest in me.
I'd appreciate any thoughts or suggestions. Thanks for reading!