we saw each other today after not seeing each other for the holidays as i was back with my family, we went on a date and was having a good day and even before the date he was already initiating sex to which i said No unless he had condoms because i wasnt on bc. his response was mostly a protesting ‘ehhh’ and it wasn’t brought up again until we were heading back home to which i reminded him to buy condoms if he wanted to have intercourse. so after some protesting and arguing ‘but i can’t feel it’ he went inside a convenience store then came out with nothing saying ‘there weren’t any’. when we get back home and start getting handsy and making out he asks me if i want to fuck to which i explicitly said NO. twice. we makeout with him on top of me and he asks again. i say NO. he asks if he could atleast eat it and i hesitate but because we were out all day and i haven‘t washed up. he goes down for 5 seconds gets up for a kiss and then i found him trying to take his boxers off so i slap him and say firmly ‘i said NO.’
after this the mood fucking dies and he says sorry immediately and i just kind of froze and curled up into a ball only able to mutter ‘i said NO’ ‘that’s fucking weird’ and ‘that’s scary’ while he held me trying to apologise over and over saying he didn’t realize how wrong it was at the moment but understood it now. it scared me because he is much bigger than me and can easily pin me down if he wanted. he regrets it and starts crying and going desperate hitting himself and telling himself he’s so stupid not long after i kind of retreat into myself and end up getting dressed to leave. he ends up going hysterical trying to stop me from getting up or leaving and getting on knees saying sorry and begging to make it right. i’m at loss for words so i just try to make it out of the room and out the house and we make a whole scene downstairs because he keeps insisting it wasn’t him and i know him that he’s not that type of person to only use me for sex. i end up having to get physical and pull him off the door he’s blocking to which he drags me back by the arm. at this point i start crying and finally speak saying ‘even now you’re so fucking selfish‘ and slap him again. he finally moves and i run out the door and he literally follows me as im speedwalking to the station even though i told him to stop following me a bunch of fucking times. we pass the convenience store he went to and there were a bunch of condoms right at the counter. i point to them and call him a fat fucking liar. he insists he didn’t see them and he was too shy to ask the cashier. i’m walking again and i’m getting flashbacks to my past abusive relationship so i ask for his phone and delete all our nude media and eventually all our pictures while he tries to explain that he only loves me and he just missed me so much and thought we were getting freaky and couldn’t hold back lol.
he fucking follows me to the transport going back to my city so he was there with me for the entire hour long ride where i blocked him on everything while he was still texting me sorry. when we get off i run into a grocery store and i thought i lost him and chilled off and got picked up by my dad to go home. an hour so later i found out he’s OUTSIDE our house as he repeatedly rings my telegram. i immediately tell him to come home because my parents will kill me. i don’t answer and he keeps saying sorry and that he’ll do anything and he can’t give up on us but i don’t answer any of them and tell him to go home.
i have a terrible track record of men i get attached to ending up only using me for sex so i have always been sensitive and firm with my boundaries surrounding it. i don’t want to tolerate any bullshit. he is loyal and seems genuinely sorry and i believe he can do better if i give him another chance but at the same time my trust in him has been wavering a long time ago. i think i also know better and shouldn’t waste my time waiting for people to change when i know i can do better. i guess even a loyal dog is just a dog. i don’t know anymore
EDIT: many of you are still commenting that I should break up with him and i actually did before i saw the comments on this post. still very scared hurt and anxious though i’m thinking of messaging his roommate about his whereabouts or his family just for safety purposes because his last messages were blaming me for ‘always assuming the worst’ but he doesn’t hate me for it