A few nights ago me and a friend (m18) were out having fun and all around had a great time. I am not homosexual, and I am in a very happy relationship so I had absolutely no attraction towards this person and I never would. Later that night, we decide to head to my grandparents old house and drink and have fun, because they no longer live there. We both go and get very drunk and laugh and all around have a good time, and we decide to lay in the guest bed and watch tv, I know for certain that there was no intention on my part behind this, there was no tv anywhere else in the house and there was nowhere else to sit. He then starts making moves on me, something that caught me by complete surprise because he is seemingly totally straight, even to the point of being outwardly homophobic. I dont believe him when he says this so I say things like "I dont believe you" or "you wouldn't do that" which seemed to encourage him. He also kept telling me to drink more and that it was "not fair that I wasnt as drunk as him" which I thankfully did not give in to, and he kept saying he wanted to perform an oral act (ill put it that way) on me and I kept saying "I dont know" and "Im not gay" but he kept trying, and eventually he just did it anyways, and after little more than one second I told him to stop and that I thought it was gay and weird so he stopped, but he kept on trying to convince me by saying "we wont remember by morning anyways" and kept asking sternly if I wanted it and I kept on saying I dont know. Same thing happened again where he did it for a brief moment and I stopped him, and then he did it once more for no more than about 10 seconds and then I told him one final time it was weird and gay so that he would stop. I immediately felt awful about it and speed walked to the bathroom and sat there with my head in my hands while he left the house to go somewhere else. I felt that by not saying no and in my drunkenness there was a disgusting voice in my head that kept saying that maybe I was ok with this and wanted it, and I keep thinking I therefore cheated. i told my girlfriend and she immediately told me that I was taken advantage of and it was not cheating, but I still find it incredibly hard to convince myself of that and forgive myself. Im so lost as to what I am supposed to do. Can someone please please help me?
EDIT: Thank you all for your kind words and understanding, im still trying to figure out how to feel about all of this. The memory is considerably foggy now and I dont remember as much detail as I did before, but theres a few things that are still bothering me heavily and leading me to believe that I was wrong and am a cheater who is not deserving of forgiveness. First off, before any sort of advances happened, he took his pants off saying he was too hot, and I did too, I dont exactly remember but I feel that I did it for the same reason. I cant shake the feeling that he may have seen that as an invitation to make advances, making it at least somewhat my fault. Lastly, the part that bothers me the most is the idea that I may have cheated because of my inaction. I love my girlfriend more than anything and she means the world to me, and I know if I was sober I would have ran for the hills on the slightest advances, but for some stupid reason I stayed, and allowed it to happen even if I kept interjecting and saying it was gay and making it clear I didnt want to continue. I dont entirely remember but I know there was the intrusive thought of “maybe I would enjoy this, and I should just let him, this is what you want” that because of my drunkenness I didnt put down as stupid and wrong as I most certainly would sober, but I feel as if it led me to say “I dont know” rather than “no”. I understand that saying “I dont know” still isnt consent, but I still feel as if I did something awfully disgusting and betrayed someone I love so dearly by putting myself in that situation and allowing myself to at least halfway give in to that intrusive thought.
EDIT 2: I cannot thank you all for your understanding and advice. Im still kinda trying to wrap my head around the whole thing but you all have been a massive help in that process. I know I have a lot to learn from the many mistakes I made, most importantly I know now that when I am drunk like that I do things and allow things that violate my most core values when sober, and Im going to keep that in mind, hopefully for the rest of my life, whenever I think about drinking at all. It’s still very difficult to not blame myself looking back on it because I know sober me would have given a definitive no and left, I know sober me would have never put myself in that situation, but hearing that the self blame is normal really helps. I think I might seek out someone to talk to, not sure yet, probably not a therapist as I dont have the money for that but well see. Also last thing I want to clarify is that some people thought I meant my girlfriend is being unhelpful, thats not what I meant. Also by "not a big deal" I mean she told me I am not to blame, not that it isnt serious. I love her more than anything and she has been nothing but supportive, and I know I can always count on her support and advice which was a main driving factor behind me telling her what happened the morning after. Thank you all!