I’m not an overly emotional person. I’ve been with my wife for almost 2 decades and I’ve known her for more than half my life. As such, I cried in front of her once when my dad died in May. I’m absolutely ashamed that I did. I’ve felt ashamed ever since. I’m supposed to be the protector. How can I be that in her eyes if I am a bawling mess? Last night I texted my dad’s girlfriend just to wish her a happy new year and she sent me a slew of pictures of my dad. She sent me one she found of me and my dad at thanksgiving when I was maybe 4 and he was younger than I am now.
I went into my office saying I had a work emergency and shut the door and cried. I was quiet about it. Didn’t make any noise. Just looked at the picture and cried. I took my contacts out and I put in some eye drops. She could tell something was wrong and asked if I’d been crying. I told her no. She pressed me because she knew my dad’s girlfriend had sent me a bunch of pictures. I told her no and that my contacts had been irritating my eyes and that I was fine.
I just don’t want to cry in front of her. I don’t want to show weakness. I don’t want her to see me as less of a man. I did that once and it’s been messing with me ever since. I want to be clear that she has never made me feel bad about crying that one time. She’s never brought it up and has never given me any indication that she got the “ick” about it.
My question to the ladies here is have you seen a significant other cry and if so did it change your perception of him negatively or positively?
Edit: So I can admit when I’m being a jackass. This situation is absolute proof that I am a jackass. About a half hour ago, I sat on the couch. I guess I looked much like I did last night and I could tell she was going to ask me if I was ok but she was hesitating. I just said I really miss him. She walked over to me, kissed me on the head, hugged me and said that he’d be proud of me and I’m not ashamed to say I broke a bit. The even funnier part about this whole thing, and a lot of you are going to want to smack the shit out of me for this (totally warranted) my dad was a psychiatrist. Yup.
It’ll be no surprise that I follow the stoic philosophy. I decided to turn there for a little guidance and found a quote from Mediations by Marcus Aurelius.
“You have power over your mind—not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength. Do not be ashamed of tears, for they are a part of life, and life is not to be endured without feeling.”
Thank you everyone for taking the time to comment with all the kind words. I truly appreciate it!