My girlfriend got a text from her male friend that she has been close with for 9-10 years.
For context: I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about 7 months. I have always encouraged her to spend time with her friends, but she has not seen this friend for a few months. Earlier on in our relationship, she was invited to a party by this male friend, but she explained to me that she would rather not go because she wanted to stay a full weekend with me for the first time instead. This was a big milestone for us, as it was the most time we had spent together at the time. I was unaware that she had reached out and told him a small lie as to why she could not go to his party, basically saying she was busy that weekend and could not make it.
Fast Forward to Today: my girlfriend had been reaching out to him occasionally via text, but had not receieved any contact until 5 months later (today). This message went along the lines of this:
" Hey (my girlfriend's name), sorry for the radio silence. I've been dealing with a lot lately. I've known you for about a decade and have been there for you when (insert the name of her ex) jilted you. You lied to me about the reason you couldn't make it to my party and I feel the decisions you're making in life aren't what's best for yourself and your daughter.
Your boyfriend is a lying, manipulative, and vindictive person and I can't find myself supporting your relationship with them. Since I can't support you with him, its either me or him."
My girlfriend was surprised and in tears with this message, as none of what he said about me is true. I have never met this male friend of hers, and he hasn't asked about me or how our relationship is since the first week we started dating. He seems to make an ultimatum, making it a competition between him and I. I think he is misguided, overstepping, and trying to control her life. I am letting her handle how she responds to him without heavy influence from my opinions that I've kept to myself on his message.
This guy says she's like a sister to him, but I have long standing friendships spanning 27+ years where I've grown up and grown with my closest friends and none of them would send this type of message to me without any build up prior. If he had an issue, I feel he could have communicated that to her much earlier on and avoided such a needless situation. My girlfriend acknowledges that she didn't need to lie, and shouldn't have, so she owns her mistake.
My feelings on the matter are that he does not respect my girlfriend at all. Not only does he assume to "know what's best" for her and her daughter, but he basically makes it seem like she has no agency in her life. That I must be this totally overpowering jealous, vindictive, controlling guy, and without his "blessing" she must be some helpless woman who can't make a decision for herself.
I want to build my life with this woman. This last week we made major steps in our relationship: I met her closest female friend and it went very well, I met her daughter 2 days later at her request (I bought passes for Disneyland for us to enjoy together), and we had our first weekend getaway in a cabin up in the mountains. She has spent all holiday season getting closer with my family and there have only been green flags with her.
My question is regarding on things to look out for with this guy. I have full faith my girlfriend can handle this herself and she knows I will support the way she goes about it. My concern is that he will hurt her by bringing up past experiences he helped her through and try to wedge himself between us. I might even have to meet this guy, and I'm not sure how well I can handle it.
I want her to set her own boundaries with this guy on her terms, but what are some ideas on reasonable boundaries for myself?