I am a married man in my early 50s. I recently ended a long term friendship with a woman I have gone to raves and dance events with for over a decade. Over time, the friendship became emotionally intense and crossed boundaries with my marriage. There was also a financial imbalance where I gave her small amounts of money and support, which I now recognize contributed to an unhealthy dynamic even though the amounts were negligible to my personal finances.
Nothing romantic or sexual ever happened. We do not use drugs. We simply enjoy dancing to trance music. Over roughly 10 years we attended 50 plus events together, sometimes just the two of us and sometimes in groups. My wife knows her, has met her, and has generally thought of her as one of my usual odd rave acquaintances.
Despite that, I allowed the emotional closeness to deepen in ways I should not have. I gradually slipped into a rescuer role and only fully understood that in hindsight. Once I recognized how unhealthy this had become for me and my marriage, I sent a clear and compassionate message ending the friendship and stopping contact and financial support.
What makes this particularly difficult is her situation. She is about 10 years older than me. She has a mild acquired brain injury. She has no close family physically with her, has limited social contact, and is currently struggling with being underweight and emotionally fragile. She does have an adult son and an ex husband she sometimes relies on, and she handles most day to day life independently, but she is vulnerable in some important ways.
Since ending the friendship I have been dealing with grief, guilt, loneliness, and a very strong urge to reach out and try to soften the separation. Part of me wants to propose a gradual distancing instead, or a very tightly limited version of the friendship where we only attend group events together and explicitly avoid emotional support, money, or private contact.
I have been advised that in emotionally asymmetrical friendships with rescuer dynamics, clean separation is usually healthier than gradual withdrawal, because partial contact often prolongs attachment and pain rather than reducing it. Intellectually I can see the logic, but emotionally it feels harsh and even cruel given her fragility and the length of the friendship.
I am not looking for permission to cheat, reopen an intense relationship, or violate my marriage. I am trying to act responsibly and minimize harm.
Given these specific circumstances, I would really value perspectives from people who have lived through similar situations or who understand attachment and boundary dynamics. In your experience, does clean separation actually lead to better outcomes in cases like this, or can a carefully structured gradual distancing ever work without prolonging harm?
TLDR:
Ended an emotionally intense friendship that crossed marital boundaries and involved a rescuer dynamic. The other person is vulnerable, which makes this feel cruel. Wondering if clean separation is actually better than gradual distancing given these specifics.