I’m a 25-year-old male looking for advice on how to handle a boundary issue with my parents.
I live about 11 miles (roughly a 20-minute drive) away from my parents in a fourplex where I rent a private bedroom with three other roommates. I work full time as a framing carpenter, so my job is physically demanding and I’m careful about things that could knock me out of work.
My parents (father, 58M; mother, 55F) and I have a long-term, ongoing relationship. I see them regularly for family dinners and sometimes help my dad with projects. This isn’t a new or casual relationship issue; it’s an established family dynamic.
Tonight I went to their house for Sunday dinner. After I had already arrived, my dad casually mentioned that someone in the house had vomited about four days ago, and that my younger sister (early 20s F) isn’t feeling well currently. This information was not shared with me before I came over.
I have a very strong fear of vomiting that causes intense anxiety. This is something my parents are aware of. If I had known ahead of time that there had been recent illness in the house, I would not have come over — not because I don’t care about them, but because it’s a personal boundary for me.
As soon as I found out, I left immediately. I didn’t eat or stay. My dad tried to reassure me by saying I’d be fine and that the illness had “already passed,” but it felt dismissive and frustrating rather than comforting.
I’m now trying to figure out how to address this going forward.
On one hand, I don’t want to come across as dramatic or accusatory. On the other hand, I feel like it’s reasonable to expect a heads-up about recent illness so I can make my own decision about whether to visit.
My questions are:
• Is it reasonable to expect my parents to tell me ahead of time if someone in the house has been vomiting or is actively sick?
• How do I communicate this boundary clearly without escalating things or being dismissed?
• What’s the healthiest way to handle it if they minimize it again in the future?
I’m not trying to assign blame — I just want to avoid repeat situations like this and have clearer expectations.
TL;DR:
I (25M) went to my parents’ (58M/55F) house for dinner and only found out after arriving that someone had recently been vomiting and my sister was currently unwell. I left immediately due to a strong fear of vomiting. How do I set a clear boundary about illness disclosure before visits without causing ongoing conflict?