Nine months ago my ex broke up with me in a way that never really made sense.
She called me and said another guy had gotten “mixed signals” from her, that she didn’t mean it, but that this somehow meant we had to break up. I was confused but I accepted it. At the time I assumed she wanted out for other reasons. The relationship had become exhausting and very controlling, and part of me was already worn down.
What I’m realizing now is that this guy didn’t come out of nowhere.
While we were still together, she was already talking to him a lot. The ironic part is that she was extremely controlling with me. If I went to sleep, she would sometimes call him right after. When I told her I wasn’t comfortable with that, she’d say things like “he’s alone, he’s just a friend, don’t worry,” and then promise she wasn’t talking to him anymore. She had done similar things before with other people too.
Looking back, it feels clear that she was very involved with him for at least two months before we broke up. They were talking late into the night and getting closer while I was still in the relationship. Whether or not anything physical happened before the breakup, she was already emotionally checked out of our relationship.
After the breakup we still talked. I kept giving her emotional support so she wouldn’t feel bad, and because of that it felt like we were half together even though we weren’t. I honestly believed there was still a chance we might get back together.
About a month later, the guy she met online, who lives in a nearby country, came to visit her. As soon as he arrived, she completely stopped talking to me. One day she casually messaged me saying they’d been drinking together until six in the morning.
Then in the middle of the summer she texted me again and I realized she was actually in his country. Even then I didn’t want to believe anything more was going on. I kept telling myself they were just friends because that’s what she had always said.
Fast forward to today, nine months later. She randomly messaged me “Happy New Year.” We talked a bit and I asked if she was single. She said no. I asked if it was about that guy and she said yes. Right after that she started defending herself and said she didn’t break up with me because of him, but because of my friends. She has always blamed my friends, especially when they pointed out how controlling the relationship was.
That’s when everything finally clicked.
She didn’t move on suddenly. She had already shifted her attention elsewhere before the breakup, kept me around afterward for emotional support, and then cut me off once he was physically present. Even now she seems more focused on justifying herself and blaming my friends than acknowledging how her actions affected me.
I know I dodged a bullet.
But realizing all of this so late still hurts. At the same time it’s validating. I wasn’t imagining things.
I just needed to get this out somewhere. Plus I’m planning on journaling this but I want some sort of idea on how to compute this