I (18M)'ve known my friend (18F) since 7th grade, by Sophomore year we had become best friends and we literally hung out all the time outside of school and we constantly played games together while being on Discord. At this same time, I began developing feelings for her, and I really wanted us to be more than just friends.
From the summer of 2023 all the way until early 2024 we literally couldn't be a day without texting, calling or playing games together. However, I was too scared to ask her out, even though my friends said it was basically a 80-90% chance she'd say yes, I was always worried about that 20-10%, I didn't want to ruin our friendship because I knew that's probably what would've happened if I confessed and I she said no. So, I never told her anything, I just kept it to myself.
By 2024, she began to become friends with this guy who we'll call Charles. And they quickly began hanging out a lot and I began to become a bit sidelined. Now, we were still best friends, and we hung out a lot, but I could tell Charles was up to something. And sure enough, at some point in 2024 she told me she liked him a lot and wanted to be her boyfriend.
All of the sudden, I started regretting things, since now there was literally no way back and my only chance for me to try again would be if Charles didn't feel the same. But, obviously, he liked her back and they began dating by the start of Senior year. I honestly thought that I had just done the worst mistake of my life, she was a very nerdy (like me) girl who loved videogames and was very smart and loved reading books, I was basically the same, and instead she ended up with someone who had failed a year, barely passed and from what I knew loved fighting and all of that. It all just felt too much for me.
That senior year was the start of me trying to distance myself away from her. She still hung out with me and played with me, and she still saw me as her best friend. But it was always her asking me to hang out, not me. Everytime I saw them I just got this feeling of self-betrayal on my part and it only got worse when she'd come to me and hug me. I also knew he didn't like me, and that he tried to make her cut me off, but she defended me. Which only makes me look worse I guess, since she clearly valued me.
After Senior Year we didn't end up in the same college and I began ghosting her or late replying. She'd ask me to play something and I'd reply days later, and the worst part is that she would still end up playing with me. She asked me some times to hang out and I'd say I was busy when in reality I wasn't. This new year's eve she wished me a happy new year and asked if we could please hang out because she felt like I had been acting super weird for a couple months now. I haven't replied, because I'd feel horrible with myself by admitting all of this. She's been my best friend and clearly cares about me, whilst I've been trying to avoid talking to her for almost 6 months now.
And this is the problem, I just don't know what to. One part of me wants us to continue being best friends and keep the relationship we had, but the other part of me doesn't because I wanted her to be my girlfriend, not just my best friend, and all of the shame of not confessing back in the day is killing me everytime we talk, play or hang out, which is why I've been avoiding her.
TL;DR: I didn't confess my feelings to my best friend and ever since she got a boyfriend I've been distancing myself and I don't know what to do about it