Hey everyone, I’m looking for advice on how to handle something in my sex life and how to move forward in a healthy way.
I’ve 32N been seeing a woman 32F for about three months. We’re in a committed relationship, we have sex regularly, and I’m very attracted to her. Emotionally things are good and there are no major relationship problems.
The issue is with how I get turned on.
I’ve realized that my arousal is very tied to fantasy and narrative. What excites me most is a sense of taboo, novelty, or a forbidden storyline between consenting adults. It’s not about disrespect or lack of attraction, it’s about the mental framing of the situation.
For example, recently during sex I imagined that she was my teacher and that we were having sex we weren’t supposed to be having.
That “against the rules” narrative made me significantly more turned on. Without some kind of story or fantasy like that running in my head, the sex feels much more flat to me, even though I like her and enjoy being close to her.
In reality, our relationship is very straightforward. We like each other, we’re exclusive, and there’s no taboo or mystery built in. That’s healthy, but I’m struggling with how to reconcile that with the way my arousal seems to work.
So I’m genuinely looking for advice on a few things:
Is this a normal way to experience arousal in a long term or committed relationship? Is this something I should work on internally, like learning to stay present and rewire my arousal? Is this something that’s appropriate to communicate to a partner, and if so, how? Are there healthy ways couples incorporate fantasy or roleplay without it becoming awkward or hurtful?
I care about my girlfriend and I want our sex life to feel fulfilling and connected, not like I’m mentally escaping every time. I’m trying to figure out what the healthiest and most respectful way forward is.
Any advice, personal experience, or perspective would be really appreciated.
Thanks.