My husband and I recently bought a house that has turned into a full gut remodel and a lot more work than we had planned on. We’ve made a ton of progress, but we still have a fair bit left to go. My husband is now always irritable and says his life has been ruined. He can’t see anything good about the house and says the projects will never end. He says I don’t do enough to help which I feel it both wrong and hurtful. Yes he is doing the “heavy lifting” on the house like electrical etc but I have done so much. The house was an “as is” sale and I was the one that got it completely cleared. I’ve helped with all the demo. I’ve sanded all the walls. I’ve scraped all the floors. I removed thousands of nails. I demoed the bathrooms and I’m also doing everything at our current rental including cooking, cleaning, laundry, bills etc. He has now decided his life sucks so much he removed all our travel photos from the walls while I was out claiming they bum him out since we’re not adventurous anymore. I feel like this is a dramatic lie because yes we’re not traveling now while we’re working on the house, but we’ll get back to that. I told him the other night that if he was really so miserable, he didn’t have to stay but he says he doesn’t want a divorce. But I also don’t want to be married to someone so miserable and I want to start a family
What do I do?
6 comments
therapy
90 days ago, he was unhappy about your pregnancy too. Did you know he was this grumpy before marriage?
How long has the remodel been going on? I’m assuming you both have full time jobs still so you’re spending all your free time and money doing the remodel?
From reading this it sounds like he is burned out and maybe even a bit depressed. You both sound frustrated at each other but this is when you need each other the most. You’re a team and you have to get through this together.
Now to address the feeling of never ending projects. Do you have a detailed list of things you need to fix? I would separate it into must haves and nice to haves. Agree on a timeline together to finish the must haves. I would even plan a weekend off where you can get out of town together and away from the house. Start a small fund and put some money aside to pay for a trip when the house is done.
I agree that what he said to you is hurtful but you gotta work through this. Start by talking about how he’s feeling and how what he said made you feel. Make a realistic plan together and work towards it. You’ll both feel so proud when you’re done.
A full house renovation is a big project but if he can’t handle that, having kids around 18 years putting a damper on his vacation plans is not something he will be able to cope with.
Sounds like he’s stressed. House remodels are really hard on a marriage. Especially since it sounds like it’s a lot going on repair wise.
We are both very accomplished handypeople with her being a tomboy of a carpenter dad and me being a former construction project manager and hammer swinger.
We live in an 80’s log home that is in a constant state of improvement.
But, if you think for one second that we don’t throw words on how this is going to go, you’d be crazy.
Are you working together or separate? That makes a HUGE difference. Building together, even if you seperrate strengths, makes it awesome.
Also, it sucks. We aren’t travellers for the most part. And honestly, if we were, and we had HUGE goals, we may take the pics down also, just to get focused.
Here’s an example of our moxie:
We did a full bathroom in a weekend (Friday afternoon to Sunday afternoon) from joists and studs. Went fine, loved it.
This is a PERFECT time to do this and enjoy each other without dividing things too much, you are literally building your beautiful future with your own hands together. Not many people can do/say that. You have something special.