I am a 30 yr old male.
start, my dad is genuinely a good person. He isn't mean or evil. He is a recluse. He doesnt have friends, he doesnt see people, he doesnt go out. I dont actually know if he has a close relationship with anyone. Even my mother and they have been together for 40(?) years.
With that said, I have never liked him. I've always had a strong resentment towards him for as long as I can remember. Since I was a small child. I believe its because he was not present in my life at all, yet we lived in the same house for 24 years. I dont remember him helping me with anything. Literally nothing. My mom helped with homework, drove me to and from school, took me to sports practice, and they both worked full time. My mom also did the same with my 2 siblings. She also cooked, cleaned, grocery shopped, and took care of us. My dad completely checked out. 100% out. He says this is because their marriage was rocky and they werent getting along. Great excuse right? once I was more grown, there was no life lessons from him, no male role model, no talk about my future or helping me pick a post secondary school, teaching me about taxes or life. Just completely ignored me and my siblings entirely. I think a lot of my upbringing was hurt because my mom took on the burden of raising 3 children alone with basically no help. The overwhelm of that impacted how she raised us as well because of how much pressure was solely on her.
I was diagnosed as a type 1 diabetic at 9 years old. My mom was the one who took care of me. She learned everything there was about it and kept me alive. Still to this day, if I was dying on the ground next to him, he would have no idea what to do. That thought hurts me a lot.
I have some very deep wounds because of all of this. My father being right in front of me and choosing to do nothing, like I am not worth it. Trying very hard not to sound egotistical here but I am very capable and extremely talented, more than most people I know, and yet I feel like I am worthless and not worthy of good things. I know those thoughts come from my relationship with him.
Fast forward to being an adult. A million little things come to mind like If him and my mom would come to my apartment (hapened 2x in the 5 years I lived away) he would make some excuse within 30 seconds of walking in that he had to go wait in the car for my mom to finish up the visit. Lots of big things as well. I sat my parents down and told them I was having some pretty scary thoughts, and was struggling with mental health. The moment I stopped talking, he stood up and said "Im going to bed". That is when I started to confront him about this stuff. His excuse was "I thought you and mom would have a better convo if I wasnt there". Ive never asked him for anything in my entire life and the one time its serious and I just want support, he fails me. This progresses strongly for a year of me trying to fix this hatred in my heart. I wanted to make things better between us so I let everything out to him. I told him how I felt. How my siblings felt. How much he has hurt me. Months of talking and arguing, he blamed me for everything. Saying that his parents were the same so I need to get over it. His mom died, his dad didnt have a relationship with his kids really. Him and my mom werent getting along so she took over. Didnt even really see where I was coming from most of the time. Just completely incompetent when it came to facing himself emotionally. He is so closed off emotionally he actually cant let me win a conversation. Even when it comes to your child coming to you in desperate times, and you not even lifting a finger, somehow that is still justified in his own head. Finally my sister came in and said I wasnt crazy or overreacting or making this up, and that what Im saying is real. He then admits he was absent when we were younger, and really meant it when he said sorry. And that he wants to have weekly talks with me to fix how I feel about him. 2 weeks later he stops even bringing it up of course. I then tell him he let me down for the last time and I dont want anything to do with him anymore. Its hurting me too much being the adult, holding his hand, trying to be the man in this situation and problem solve. Why is it up to me to fix what he fucked up?
A few weeks ago I saw a picture of him when he was around my current age. I almost started crying. He was just a normal guy. I went to him and apologized for my aggressiveness and blatant hatred towards him. I dont forgive him, but for my own sake I needed to humanize him a bit and stop seeing him as a failed man and father that deserves to be reminded of it. Thats an evil I dont need in my soul any more. Its hurting me too much.
Ive since decided to go clean and sober since the beginning of december to really forus on my endurance sports. I saw him today and he told me hes proud of me for making that decision and is trying to talk to me like normal, like were buddy buddy. The feeling I get when he tries to be friendly with me is terrible. I get so frustrated because it seems like he wants things to be totally fine between us without doing any work whatsoever to make it that way. He is the epitome of "sweep it under the rug and forget it exists". I dont want to feel this way towards him but I dont think it will ever change