Hi everyone, I’m looking for some outside perspective because my head and my heart are telling me completely different things.
I’m a 21F in a master’s program in France. I’m Italian, and there’s a guy in my program (23M, Spanish — I’ll call him Joel). From literally the first week, we were very close and flirty. By the end of that week, we went out with friends, ended up talking for hours in the smoking area of a club, and he walked me home.
On that walk home, he told me he was basically head over heels for me and wasn’t expecting to feel that way. The catch: he had broken up with his girlfriend of 4 years one month before. They did undergrad together and had been long-distance for a while, and he says that’s why they broke up, though he’s also mentioned there were other issues in the relationship.
That night, he told me he thought she was the love of his life, but he still wanted to take me out to dinner and see where things could go. He also tried to kiss me. I said no to both the dinner and the kiss — not because I didn’t like him, but because the timing freaked me out. I didn’t shut things down completely and told him I felt a connection too.
After that, things stayed very flirty. A bit later, I invited him to sleep at my place (no sex), and about a week after that, we kissed at a club and went home together and slept together. From that point on, we became basically inseparable. Same friend group, same classes, spending every night together. It’s been genuinely wonderful — he makes me laugh, makes me feel safe, and we get along incredibly well.
Now here’s where it gets complicated.
Our semester just ended, and next semester the program moves to London. He also found out (through a shared friend who will be his future roommate) that his ex will be in London at the same time for an internship. I was with him when he found out. He told me he didn’t really know how to feel about it.
After about 3.5 months of us being “together,” I told him I thought we should end things and just be friends. Part of this is because I’m going backpacking across Europe all summer with my best friend, and I know I’d regret it if I spent that time in a relationship. Another huge part is my insecurity about his ex. I don’t understand how he can be dating me so soon after a 4-year relationship. We look nothing alike, and I know this sounds shallow, but I fixate on it a lot — especially physical comparisons. It really messes with my head.
We tried not talking for three days, and it was awful for both of us. He told me he wants to be with me, has no intention of getting back with his ex, and feels very strongly about me.
So now I’m stuck. My head says this is bad timing and emotionally risky. My heart says I want him. I genuinely can’t tell if I’m being avoidant, anxious, and scared of commitment — or if my instincts are telling me this isn’t the right situation. I don’t know if we should stay casual, take space, or just go all in and commit.
Any advice or outside perspective would really help. Thank you for reading.
TL;DR:
I (21F) got very close with a guy (23M) in my master’s program almost immediately. He admitted strong feelings early on, but had broken up with his girlfriend of 4 years just one month before we met. Despite that, we became inseparable for about 3.5 months and it’s been genuinely great. Now we’re moving to London for the next semester, where his ex will also be, and I’m going backpacking all summer. I ended things out of fear, bad timing, and insecurity about his ex, but neither of us handled the distance well and he says he wants to be with me. I can’t tell if I’m ignoring red flags or just scared of commitment and getting hurt.