So in the past, I (30sNB) was an incredibly sexual person. I did some hooking up in my teens and early twenties, then I masturbated every day during a pretty sexless relationship (partner was waiting til marriage and we waited WAY too long to get married and the relationship was dead then). I left that relationship and had incredible sex with other partners after that. My current partner of 5 years and I had an incredible sex life until about 2 years ago. We had a rough patch in our relationship caused by dumb decisions my partner made. We were getting back to into it about a year ago when I had to have a medically necessary hysterectomy. Since then…my sex drive has been pretty minimal.
We’re currently going through a period of living in separate places because of my job, and my libido is slowly coming back. I like masturbating and the thought of my partner masturbating. But truly everything about sex, being sexual, being “sexy” feels SOOO cringey to me. The voices people put on. The things we say. The performance of it all. And I can’t get out of my head. Like…being sexual with someone is inherently vulnerable and performative. But right now, the thought of performing any of it feels so stupid. I laugh at all of it right now. And if I’m not laughing or cringing. I’m sad about how it used to be easy for me and now it’s so much work.
(Side note: my adhd has flared a bit in the past year or two, so I also have a hard time focusing long enough to have a really good, focused time with sex or masturbation. Currently unmedicated for it due to the recent move. It all feels connected).
How do I get out of my head about this? Like just let go and do the kinda stupid cringey thing because it’s fun and sexy?