My(30F) husband(34M) have been married for a year now. Although he has struggled with depression and suicidal ideation his whole life, it has gotten worse since we've been married. He never received any therapy or any other form of help his whole life. Not until we got married and I asked him to seek help. Thankfully, he did seek therapy but only went to 3 or 4 sessions and then stopped. Months later, after an attempt, he spent a few days in a mental hospital and started medication. He was okay for a while until about a week and a half ago. I said something that triggered him. I was just expressing what was on my mind and seeking some sort of comfort/reassurance but he took it as an attack. In a nutshell, I said that if I were to ever die I think he would get married again after me because thats just want most men do. I didn't know that he would find this comment so offensive. He went from fine to suicidal in 2 seconds. For a few days, he would avoid being around me and talking to me. When I finally got him to open up, he said that he's a failure and disappoints me and that I don't love him. I was thrown off. Everything he said was the complete opposite of what I feel and think of him. I kept trying to reassure him of my love and apologized over and over for saying hurtful things. But he refused to accept any of it. He said that I always bring it up. I asked for specifics because I literally did not know what he was talking about. He couldn't give me specifics, just kept quiet. Another week passed, he remained quiet and distant. I took him to the doctor to see if he needed his meds adjusted. He has a therapy appointment coming up but that isnt for another 2 weeks.
I asked him if he would please talk to someone, like one of his friends who have been married for several years and maybe they'd be able to relate somehow. He doesn't want to talk to anyone at all. He just repeated that he believes I don't love him. He says he feels I lied to him and that I always remind him how bad he is. I will admit that I have unintentionally made comments in the past where he immediately brought up that they made him feel little so I have been trying to make an active effort to watch what I say. But I guess I keep slipping up without realizing it.
I am giving it my all to try and be a good wife but I am failing miserably. I love him more than any other person on this planet and it hurts me to know that he thinks I don't. My efforts are not enough.
I have spent the whole day emailing a bunch of different marriage counselors in hopes that someone can help us figure out this issue.
I just needed to vent