I’m a 20 year old guy and I’ve been with my girlfriend, Z (20F), for two years. She’s been good to me. Loyal, patient, and there for me in ways I don’t think I’ve been matching lately. If I’m honest, I don’t even know the last time I felt fully present with her.
I recently started a job at KFC alongside my studies and met a coworker, P (21F). Since then, my head has been a mess.
I think about P constantly. I look for her when I come into work. I try to put myself on tasks or shifts where I know I’ll be around her. I replay conversations in my head. When I catch her looking at me, I get this rush of excitement that makes me feel alive for a moment, and then immediately guilty. What bothers me is that I still chase that feeling.
I’m physically attracted to her, and I hate admitting how obvious that’s become. I even make sure I wear more flattering work shirts because of her. I consciously compare her to my girlfriend, not by accident but on purpose, which makes me feel awful. It feels like I’m judging two real people against each other instead of acting like an adult.
P is an international student from India and she’s genuinely interesting to talk to. She tells me about her life and experiences, and being around her feels easy and exciting. I know that doesn’t make this special. It just makes it tempting.
When I help her at work and she’s happy, I get a disproportionate sense of satisfaction, like I’ve done something important. At the same time, I’ve noticed I’m less patient with my girlfriend. Not because she deserves it, but because my emotional energy is going somewhere else.
There are moments with P that I would feel deeply uncomfortable explaining to Z in detail. I keep telling myself nothing has actually happened, as if physical cheating is the only line that matters.
I’ve had thoughts about cheating. I haven’t acted on them, but I don’t feel proud of that. It doesn’t feel like loyalty. It feels like restraint and fear. I know that if P admitted she had feelings for me, I would probably admit I feel the same way and then hide behind the fact that I have a girlfriend, even though that alone doesn’t make it okay.
What makes this worse is that P is aware I’m emotionally invested. I’ve also lied to make myself feel less guilty. I told my girlfriend that P has a boyfriend when she doesn’t. I did that so I wouldn’t have to confront what I’m doing or have a harder conversation with myself.
I don’t feel like a good guy who’s just confused. I don’t feel good at all. I’m scared of losing my girlfriend, but I’m also scared of letting go of the attention and excitement P gives me, even though I know she’s only here for a year. I’m aware I could ruin a real relationship for something temporary and then be left with nothing but regret.
If this keeps going, I don’t know who I turn into, and that honestly scares me.
I haven’t physically cheated, but I’ve emotionally checked out, redirected my attraction, and lied to protect my own comfort. I’m still benefiting from my girlfriend’s loyalty while giving her a lesser version of myself.
I needed to admit this somewhere without dressing it up, because pretending it’s harmless is starting to make me hate myself.
How do you stop something like this before it turns into real damage?