I (36, male) experienced deep trauma at age 11 when my mother abandoned and sent me to live with my aggressive, alcoholic father in another country (she needed to get married again and had to see me leave the house for that). For almost a year and a half, she told me I would return to her if I cried during our phone calls. During this time, I fell into deep depression, self-harmed, developed severe OCD, and carried her picture everywhere. I ultimately internalised that this was my version of love, and of course she never took me back.

Around age 14, I buried those feelings and resumed life. Now, years later, my mother regrets her actions. Through therapy, meditation, inner-child work, and open conversations, I've rebuilt our relationship and found peace with her.

However, my romantic patterns are affected. I realised in my 30s that I am only attracted to toxic and avoidant women, correlating my sexual attraction with difficulty in relationships. Despite stopping those dynamics through therapy, I now feel stuck in three sexual scenarios:

1. Toxic Relationships: Strong sexual attraction but unhealthy dynamics. I now manage to avoid those despite temptations thanks to therapy.
2. Short-Term/FWB/ONS: These situations work very fine for me.
3. Loving and Caring Relationships: This is where I face challenges; I fear intimacy and find it physically difficult to engage. I find myself not being sexually attracted at all.

I’ve been dating my current partner for four months. Although she may not be the most physically attractive partner I've had (not really my type), her intellectual and human qualities are extraordinary. I'm resentfully resisting my urge to leave while trying to let love grow, but I feel the attraction fading into friendship. To the point where going to bed gets stressful. This happened with multiple "non-toxic" partners before.

I am grateful for her affirmations about the love and care I bring to our relationship. I am very open and caring: I've shared my childhood trauma with her, and she is aware of my struggles. Still, I often feel very tempted to return to dating apps to chase that intensity again. On top of feeling very guilty towards her, I often feel very attracted to other women, and my sense of being 'lucky' in attracting them only amplifies my fear of missing out.

I've never experienced sex in a loving context, and the thought of it almost disgusts me. I worry that this pattern will prevent me from achieving my goals of partnership, family, and a fulfilling life together.

I’ve tried various methods to heal: therapy (3 years now), meditation, journaling, and open communication with my partners. I’m exhausted from fighting this cycle and dread the thought of becoming a father at 45. I don't want to chase this futile cycle forever. It's keeping me away from everything I want to build in life.

Question

Have you faced trauma that shaped your sexual patterns? What steps did you take to heal within your relationships?

TL;DR

Childhood abandonment trauma has led to attraction to toxic partners and sexual shutdown in healthy relationships. I want a stable relationship and family but feel stuck. I seek advice on healing from others with similar experiences.