How would you feel if you found out that someone who you’ve recently started dating was deeply depressed?
January 1, 2026
Would you lose respect? Would you lose attraction? Would you distance yourself? Should people with depression avoid pursuing relationships?
36 comments
Depression is not a deal breaker for me because I’ve had some bad bouts of it.
I think the deal breaker is an unwillingness to do something about it (which can also be a symptom of depression).
I’d tread lightly. I’m a big “fixer” but trying to learn from my mistakes and not do that anymore. You can’t “fix” a person’s depression but I’d probably be tempted to spend all my time and energy trying.
I am also chronically depressed so no. I think it’s only a problem when you resign yourself to the illness and don’t do anything about. Especially if leads you to take your problems out on others.
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Offer support and care as and when needed.
Many many times solutions aren’t helpful or asked for and I’ve learned that the hard way.
As long as she knows I’ve got her back and she can rely on me, that’s all I can do.
As someone with depression I’d understand, but I’d need to see them actively working on their illness.
Offer support and time. You can’t fix them, but you can provide a space for them to fix things themselves
if they have been depressed or if they still are depressed i wouldn’t care. i would help them to get in their best shape and try to uplift them without any pressure. i would not loose any attraction, if i like them then i like them, no matter what.
I wouldn’t lose respect or attraction but I would need to see they are actively seeking support and attending to their mental health. I’m a mental health clinician and I’m not interested in being someone’s therapist when I get off work.
My husband was deeply depressed when I met him. I also struggle with depression and mood swings (medication has helped). It clearly wasnt a deal breaker for me lol, we’ve been together 10 years, married 8. Still the best decision ever 😊
I think it would have been a deal breaker if he never wanted to try to get better or to learn to manage it. I know its hard when you’re in the thick of being depressed, but if he refused help or support from myself/loved ones, then maybe things would have gone differently.
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Definite deal breaker, I’d support them but I dont have the mental/emotional resources for them to rely on me and I can’t trust that they won’t fail at important times in life (bills, responsibilities.)
Well, I met my now husband after a bad traumatic event, and he was depressed as well. We’ve been together through every up and down that imaginable in 11 years. Depression didn’t change how we felt about each other. Attraction doesn’t change. 3 years into marriage, I was diagnosed with cancer, he didn’t find me less beautiful, gross, or less than because my world, our world changed. I’m 10 months cancer free, and the depression has kept us together more than pushing us apart.
We didn’t distance, lose attraction, or stop dating or being married because of depression.
Depression isn’t a personality trait.
If you are doubting the relationship based on them being depressed, maybe they deserve better.
I’ve been in that situation and I’d recommend against pursuing the relationship. I was the one who ended up depressed.
I wouldn’t lose respect. It’s not their fault, no one would choose to have depression if they had a choice. I’ve had bouts of depression too.
However, if they are severely depressed, I think that would make it very hard to have a happy and healthy relationship with them. My best friend of 30 years ghosted me because of depression (as in, I haven’t seen her in years even though we live in the same metropolitan area), and while of course I have compassion for what she’s going through, it also hurts to be abandoned by a lifelong friend. Even before she stopped speaking to me, it felt like there was only room for one person in our relationship to have depression, and that person was always her. She was so depressed that there was no room for my own depression or any of my needs. I would be afraid of something similar happening if I dated someone who was deeply depressed.
I’m not telling people with depression what to do. I’m not in the business of making rules about whether other people are “allowed” to date or not. But I am no longer willing to keep sacrificing my own well-being for years on end because of someone else’s depression.
personally:
– odd question, no i dont think i’d lose respect so long as the partner doesn’t lose theirs for me
– depending on how they handle it i guess (that doesnt even mean i’d necessarily leave if it were the case though), i mean if i.e. it means the toenails touch the ground then yes but i also think that could be taken care of. if they lets say shittalk life a whole lot to me and expect me to excuse anything just with “well they’re depressed”, then tbh yeah that’d be a problem for me, i’m not the mentally healthiest person myself
– however NO people with depression don’t need to avoid pursuing relationships. but there shouuld ideally be a willingness to see that sometimes selfhatred actually makes you sulky and selfcentered. BUT that’s ok one can work on that! i’m just trying to say if you’re i.e. feeling guilty about dating, thats fine but dont give into the false narrative of that being productive or helpful, this negative thought adds nothing to the situation that either one of you would need to add. i know this is said so easily i guess, just yes do date. if for a period of time you feel like itd help to wait a bit first, if maybe you feel like it gives you more opportunity to stablize lets say, then thats ok ofc but only as a healthy choice which means it should put you in a better place to wait and feel right after deciding that at the time, not as an artificial waitingline when youre “just” afraid to try i.e.
I struggled with depression during my longest relationship, he didn’t know how to/want to know how to support me and I resented him for it. I ended up leaving and.. well.. I was the happiest I’d been in years, I have always had small bouts of depression here and there but couldn’t see at the time that it was directly linked to our poor relationship. Anyway, I always held on to that and never let it be a deciding factor for me in relationships until my latest one.. my partner was unreachable during their lows. They’d get angry when I offered support (never pushy) but would also be angry if I gave them space. Then they’d be so low I couldn’t even pull them out with previously discussed methods. All that to say, I’ve been on both sides where someone didn’t want to help me at all and I promised myself I’d never let someone suffer but even when we discussed what he wanted me to do when he wasn’t at a low it still wasn’t enough. It exhausted me. I know this sounds shitty but I would never choose a partner that I knew actively struggled again. I know everyone is different but it was a scarring experience.
Why would I lose respect for someone who is depressed? I find the suggestion alarming. Depression isn’t something someone chooses or experiences because they’re not strong enough or trying hard enough or anything like that.
Whether I would distance myself would largely depend on how they manage their depression. I have struggled with depression well over half my life, and I go to therapy, take medication, have a social safety net that prevents me from completely withdrawing into myself when I’m depressed, etc. They wouldn’t have to handle their depression the same way I do, but they would need to manage it in a healthy, proactive way.
Since I also deal with depression, we’d need have some serious talks relatively early on about how we could have a healthy and supportive relationship as two people with similar mental health struggles.
I deal with depression myself so I understand but *deeply* depressed would definitely make me nervous. People who are deeply depressed are often unpleasant to be around, but assuming this person could hold it together enough to actually date and put some effort into things I’d probably tell them that I’d prefer to stay friends until they were in a better place.
My partner (he, 30) and I (28F) are struggling with this now. I’m the depressed one. He has depression but not in a sense that it’s debilitating. He has 1-2 days every now in then where things just feel low mood, might cry while venting a bit, etc. Super ok/easy to handle.
I, however, have severe debilitating depression as well as PMDD. I am high functioning and have a full time job. We do not live together. But I have a long history of trauma, abuse, divorced parent related trauma, several suicides around me as well as lost 2-3 friends from high school to cancer very early. I affect him deeply with how deep into my spirals I am, and how much I still believe the things I say even when the clouds are gone. I just can set it aside better when the clouds are gone.
I’m not sure we will make it, and I’m not sure I can truly blame him. I require a lot of things to even keep the level of stability I have with my depression now, and honestly, it’s still not even enough for the tradeoff.
Lose respect? Huh
I have my own struggles with depression and it’s never affected whether or not I would date someone. My boyfriend has severe depression and I’ve just learned what helps him when it’s bad and the signs.
Respect? This question makes me sad.
I would not continue dating them but remain friends. Depression is something that deeply affects a person’s ability to contribute to a relationship to no fault of their own
It would depend on how their depression manifests.
I have depression myself, but it mostly presents as being shut down, but I can muster some energy when I’m around my SO. Most people just assume I am introverted and anti-social, but really, I’m just kind of numb going through the motions. Somehow, I have never been a total downer for my partner, but when I’m depressed, I *only* have energy for that one person in my life. However, if my SO is someone fairly independent who doesn’t mind going to socialize with their friends without me always attending, I can still manage my depression without it impacting them too badly.
On the flipside, I know people whose depression very much presents itself in a way that is burdensome to other people. They may be prone to anger, or become jealous when their SO spends time out of the house from them when they are going through depressive episodes. This is the type of depression I would steer clear from, especially early on in a relationship, because if it’s already very noticeable at that point, it means the person has a long journey to get themselves to a place where they can manage their depression in a healthy way. I would encourage them to get the help they need, but you don’t have to stick around to be their emotional crutch.
I struggle with depression myself from time to time. I have a ton of respect for people who are working on, working with their mental health. It’s not an easy fight. It’d be nice to be in relationship with someone else who gets it.
Get out NOW! Been there done that.
I wouldn’t lose respect nor attraction. I don’t think people with depression should necessarily avoid relationships either.
Whether I distance myself depends on how well I know this person and where I see and want this relationship to go.
I suppose this is what people mean when they say you can love the same person twice.
The first time is when you’re just getting to know each other: the physical connection, the first exchanges of words, and a superficial understanding of their personality.
The second time is when you begin to learn about their obstacles, their fears, and their difficulties with connecting more deeply—and that’s when people decide whether to stay or leave.
At first, I felt scared when I learned about my ex’s childhood and the difficulties she had to face after her father passed away. From the age of 17, she had to take on the responsibility of looking for work together with her brother. It was also hard to accept when she told me that she had gone through a very dark moment in the past—but that chapter was already over. I met her a few months after that, and at the beginning of our relationship she was hesitant to talk about sensitive topics. Her shyness was still very noticeable around me, but as she gradually began to trust me, she found the courage to tell me—while crying—that she was afraid I might leave her.
She was taking medication, and she also had a thyroid condition that left her with very low energy most of the time. Even so, I stayed by her side. I always took care of her, always wanted her to get better. Still, there were things she wasn’t telling me. Later, I found out that her crisis had been triggered by a very intense fight with her ex-boyfriend, during which they said things they never should have. She listened to him. He provoked her out of anger, thinking it was just drama, but it wasn’t—she was truly unstable at that moment. That made me very angry with him. I thought he was extremely insensitive, especially knowing that he had also been manipulating her psychologically in other ways.
Going back to the point: I stayed for as long as I could, until something happened. People say it’s normal in relationships for partners not to be at the same energy level. Sometimes I was at 80% while she was at 20%, and I willingly shared my time and energy to help her get back on track. But eventually, we both dropped to 1%—me overwhelmed by work stress, and her caught in a spiral of negative thoughts.
I told her that those topics were better discussed in person, not over the phone. It felt too impersonal, especially since we had already talked about them before. But she said she couldn’t control herself; she felt safe talking to me because she trusted me. I ended up saying things that hurt her, and she told me she wouldn’t trust me anymore. That’s when I snapped. After all the effort I had made to earn her trust, hearing that broke something in me. I had chosen her again and again, without letting her past define her in my eyes. But those words, combined with my accumulated exhaustion and low energy, pushed me toward the extreme decision to end the relationship.
Unfortunately, my reaction was immature. I was emotionally blocked. I had never had to process so much heavy information about someone I loved in such a short period of time. She was also extremely shy. Once, we went to the movies, and she arrived late. I went inside and showed her where I was sitting, but she got confused and sat on the other side of the theater instead of next to me, because she was too shy to turn around. It was very stressful—we hadn’t seen each other for two weeks, and her shyness took over. At times, I imagined more serious situations, and she wouldn’t step in to help, because her shyness held her back.
I don’t know. Honestly, I did believe in love—in choosing someone because you see something beautiful in them. I loved her personality deeply. But I feel like I arrived too late, or that we simply weren’t meant to be. She had already lived through experiences with her ex that hadn’t fully healed. She was always emotionally connected to him to some degree. She tried to love me, but she couldn’t fully let go of that bond—and in a way, I understand her. He was part of both the “before” and “after” of her tragedy.
A few months after I broke up with her, they got back together. It hurt a lot. It still hurts, and it shows in the way I write this. But I promise myself that starting tomorrow, I won’t continue dwelling on these thoughts. It’s a new year, and I don’t want to keep repeating this mental pattern.
I still love her, and I genuinely wish her the best with him. I think her ex-boyfriend and I are the only people who truly witnessed her darkest days and hardest nights. I don’t know how he lived through them, but I know I did—out of love, because I wanted the relationship to work. I hope she can be happy and heal with him, and that he helps her reach her full potential, because it is immense. I hope she lives a life full of meaningful experiences. And if he is able to pull her out of her sadness and depression, then so be it. She wasn’t happy with me—but if she can smile and live fully, even from afar, I support her.
Intentionally or not, I’ve just come across too many people who want to pivot things to a more friends with benefits type dynamic then serious long-term relationship. It makes sense in the context of having depression, it’s just a deal breaker for me and also kind of insulting when I’m going in with the intention of long-term relationship.
I’ve been married to a depressed person for over a decade. It’s not really an issue, I’ve dated depressed people before. But it’s the unwillingness to help themselves out of it that is really not attractive and it gets hard to live with.
As someone with strong depressive episodes myself, I would definitely tread more carefully. Because I know how hard it is, I would really want to know how they deal with it before making any moves into codependency, like moving in together, making financial commitments together etc. I am someone able to push through and pull myself out of it enough to go to work and keep up with basic chores and life admin, organized enough generally that I can afford spending a few days in bed without everything falling apart. I also know myself well enough to plan ahead, I always get really down in December and January (it’s all dark here) and June, so I plan accordingly. I may be in contact much less with friends, but I force myself to answer texts and calls at least. Basically, I try not to burden others with it, and would seek help if I couldn’t manage by myself anymore.
My husband is similar, so I didn’t mind him having depressive episodes as well, although he does his duties, he has much more trouble staying afloat, which I think comes from his lack of spirituality/religion. But it has been a real struggle since we had a kid, because two sad, sluggish parents with some dark thoughts don’t make a good environment and the effort to be cheerful and positive when my husband is like a black cloud sometimes feels superhuman. I honestly don’t know if I would choose this path again, at least not without the caveat of him going to therapy before we marry.
Went through this exact scenario. When he told me about having experienced depression and taking SSRIs early on, I greatly appreciated his vulnerability and openness.
But the actual reality of being with someone whose depression gets so severe at times that I have had him tell me he doesnt think he will survive the week…. isnt glamorous and has taken a major toll on my psyche and at times, my own mental health. Combined with addiction (he is now in recovery after severe health consequences), severe debilitating anxiety, and PTSD, it has been a really really hard 5+ years.
The thing is, he is a wonderful person when his mental health issues aren’t overwhelming and they are far from a constant. So I find it difficult to answer the question of if I regret it. I would probably be extremely hesitant to date a new person with depression who I wasn’t emotionally invested in unless they were successfully being treated for it and were compliant with treatment.
Have I lost respect? No, I don’t really go there often. I mostly just feel heartbroken for him. Have I lost attraction? Mostly no. There are times I dont feel a lot of attraction if he really isnt taking care of himself but I am extremely attracted to him and it will come right but when he is out of an episode. Would you distance yourself? Sometimes yes. It is a coping strategy to not feel like I am drowning with him.
Should people with depression avoid pursuing relationships? No, that is an overgeneralization. They should receive treatment, though.
I’m at a point in my life where I feel about depression like I feel about any other chronic condition.
I’m only dating people who don’t need me to be happy.
If you’ve got a chronic condition that makes it harder to be happy, and you’ve got a scaffolding of help in your life to manage that chronic condition, with doctors and medications and therapists and self care routines and friends and support groups, where when life is going normal you don’t need anything from a partner other than normal emotional support partner stuff, and sometimes you get an episode or a flare up or something happens and you need additional support but you’re usually able to articulate how you want your partner to treat you, that’s totally great wonderful partnership. But if you’re at a point in your life where your depression or your diabetes or your fibromyalgia or whatever your chronic thing is is a big major thing that you’re trying to figure out, and you frequently find yourself unmoored from regular life not knowing what to do, reaching out for help from the people close to you, and you’re still figuring out if you can do this alone or if you should seek professional help, and your partner just needs to accept that there’s a lot of things they have to do differently for you because due to your chronic condition, you’re not really capable of long term happiness right now, sorry no thank you. You’re still worthy of love. But you need an “I help you, you help me” partner. You need a partner who is also going through a lot of their own shit, and they support you through your shit and you support them through their shit.
Because without you in it, my life is happy. I need an “I take care of me, you take care of you” relationship. Because if I’m in an “I take care of me and I also take care of you and you don’t have to take care of anybody because your life is just worse than mine” relationship, I will just resent the person I’m with.
I’ll put it like this, not everyone is equipped to have the tools to navigate depression in someone else. I didn’t have the tools needed to help navigate depression in a guy I was seeing for a while and decided to remain friends. I hope he’s doing well.
Well this happened to me. I felt concerned and my nurture instinct kicked in lol. I started doing reminders for meds, helped him look for a therapist, pushed him to find a psychiatrist, started planning weekly meetings to exercise, etcetera. I did not lose respect at all, I fully view it as a serious condition. What did make me lose respect was the lying and ignoring me. Also, it brought out a trait in me that is probably not healthy. I tend to be a “fixer” and I throw myself into helping someone at the cost of my own wellbeing and boundaries. I think having my therapist hat on probably pissed off my partners.
36 comments
Depression is not a deal breaker for me because I’ve had some bad bouts of it.
I think the deal breaker is an unwillingness to do something about it (which can also be a symptom of depression).
I’d tread lightly. I’m a big “fixer” but trying to learn from my mistakes and not do that anymore. You can’t “fix” a person’s depression but I’d probably be tempted to spend all my time and energy trying.
I am also chronically depressed so no. I think it’s only a problem when you resign yourself to the illness and don’t do anything about. Especially if leads you to take your problems out on others.
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Offer support and care as and when needed.
Many many times solutions aren’t helpful or asked for and I’ve learned that the hard way.
As long as she knows I’ve got her back and she can rely on me, that’s all I can do.
As someone with depression I’d understand, but I’d need to see them actively working on their illness.
Offer support and time. You can’t fix them, but you can provide a space for them to fix things themselves
if they have been depressed or if they still are depressed i wouldn’t care. i would help them to get in their best shape and try to uplift them without any pressure. i would not loose any attraction, if i like them then i like them, no matter what.
I wouldn’t lose respect or attraction but I would need to see they are actively seeking support and attending to their mental health. I’m a mental health clinician and I’m not interested in being someone’s therapist when I get off work.
My husband was deeply depressed when I met him. I also struggle with depression and mood swings (medication has helped). It clearly wasnt a deal breaker for me lol, we’ve been together 10 years, married 8. Still the best decision ever 😊
I think it would have been a deal breaker if he never wanted to try to get better or to learn to manage it. I know its hard when you’re in the thick of being depressed, but if he refused help or support from myself/loved ones, then maybe things would have gone differently.
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Definite deal breaker, I’d support them but I dont have the mental/emotional resources for them to rely on me and I can’t trust that they won’t fail at important times in life (bills, responsibilities.)
Well, I met my now husband after a bad traumatic event, and he was depressed as well. We’ve been together through every up and down that imaginable in 11 years. Depression didn’t change how we felt about each other. Attraction doesn’t change. 3 years into marriage, I was diagnosed with cancer, he didn’t find me less beautiful, gross, or less than because my world, our world changed. I’m 10 months cancer free, and the depression has kept us together more than pushing us apart.
We didn’t distance, lose attraction, or stop dating or being married because of depression.
Depression isn’t a personality trait.
If you are doubting the relationship based on them being depressed, maybe they deserve better.
I’ve been in that situation and I’d recommend against pursuing the relationship. I was the one who ended up depressed.
I wouldn’t lose respect. It’s not their fault, no one would choose to have depression if they had a choice. I’ve had bouts of depression too.
However, if they are severely depressed, I think that would make it very hard to have a happy and healthy relationship with them. My best friend of 30 years ghosted me because of depression (as in, I haven’t seen her in years even though we live in the same metropolitan area), and while of course I have compassion for what she’s going through, it also hurts to be abandoned by a lifelong friend. Even before she stopped speaking to me, it felt like there was only room for one person in our relationship to have depression, and that person was always her. She was so depressed that there was no room for my own depression or any of my needs. I would be afraid of something similar happening if I dated someone who was deeply depressed.
I’m not telling people with depression what to do. I’m not in the business of making rules about whether other people are “allowed” to date or not. But I am no longer willing to keep sacrificing my own well-being for years on end because of someone else’s depression.
personally:
– odd question, no i dont think i’d lose respect so long as the partner doesn’t lose theirs for me
– depending on how they handle it i guess (that doesnt even mean i’d necessarily leave if it were the case though), i mean if i.e. it means the toenails touch the ground then yes but i also think that could be taken care of. if they lets say shittalk life a whole lot to me and expect me to excuse anything just with “well they’re depressed”, then tbh yeah that’d be a problem for me, i’m not the mentally healthiest person myself
– however NO people with depression don’t need to avoid pursuing relationships. but there shouuld ideally be a willingness to see that sometimes selfhatred actually makes you sulky and selfcentered. BUT that’s ok one can work on that! i’m just trying to say if you’re i.e. feeling guilty about dating, thats fine but dont give into the false narrative of that being productive or helpful, this negative thought adds nothing to the situation that either one of you would need to add. i know this is said so easily i guess, just yes do date. if for a period of time you feel like itd help to wait a bit first, if maybe you feel like it gives you more opportunity to stablize lets say, then thats ok ofc but only as a healthy choice which means it should put you in a better place to wait and feel right after deciding that at the time, not as an artificial waitingline when youre “just” afraid to try i.e.
I struggled with depression during my longest relationship, he didn’t know how to/want to know how to support me and I resented him for it. I ended up leaving and.. well.. I was the happiest I’d been in years, I have always had small bouts of depression here and there but couldn’t see at the time that it was directly linked to our poor relationship. Anyway, I always held on to that and never let it be a deciding factor for me in relationships until my latest one.. my partner was unreachable during their lows. They’d get angry when I offered support (never pushy) but would also be angry if I gave them space. Then they’d be so low I couldn’t even pull them out with previously discussed methods. All that to say, I’ve been on both sides where someone didn’t want to help me at all and I promised myself I’d never let someone suffer but even when we discussed what he wanted me to do when he wasn’t at a low it still wasn’t enough. It exhausted me. I know this sounds shitty but I would never choose a partner that I knew actively struggled again. I know everyone is different but it was a scarring experience.
Why would I lose respect for someone who is depressed? I find the suggestion alarming. Depression isn’t something someone chooses or experiences because they’re not strong enough or trying hard enough or anything like that.
Whether I would distance myself would largely depend on how they manage their depression. I have struggled with depression well over half my life, and I go to therapy, take medication, have a social safety net that prevents me from completely withdrawing into myself when I’m depressed, etc. They wouldn’t have to handle their depression the same way I do, but they would need to manage it in a healthy, proactive way.
Since I also deal with depression, we’d need have some serious talks relatively early on about how we could have a healthy and supportive relationship as two people with similar mental health struggles.
I deal with depression myself so I understand but *deeply* depressed would definitely make me nervous. People who are deeply depressed are often unpleasant to be around, but assuming this person could hold it together enough to actually date and put some effort into things I’d probably tell them that I’d prefer to stay friends until they were in a better place.
My partner (he, 30) and I (28F) are struggling with this now. I’m the depressed one. He has depression but not in a sense that it’s debilitating. He has 1-2 days every now in then where things just feel low mood, might cry while venting a bit, etc. Super ok/easy to handle.
I, however, have severe debilitating depression as well as PMDD. I am high functioning and have a full time job. We do not live together. But I have a long history of trauma, abuse, divorced parent related trauma, several suicides around me as well as lost 2-3 friends from high school to cancer very early. I affect him deeply with how deep into my spirals I am, and how much I still believe the things I say even when the clouds are gone. I just can set it aside better when the clouds are gone.
I’m not sure we will make it, and I’m not sure I can truly blame him. I require a lot of things to even keep the level of stability I have with my depression now, and honestly, it’s still not even enough for the tradeoff.
Lose respect? Huh
I have my own struggles with depression and it’s never affected whether or not I would date someone. My boyfriend has severe depression and I’ve just learned what helps him when it’s bad and the signs.
Respect? This question makes me sad.
I would not continue dating them but remain friends. Depression is something that deeply affects a person’s ability to contribute to a relationship to no fault of their own
It would depend on how their depression manifests.
I have depression myself, but it mostly presents as being shut down, but I can muster some energy when I’m around my SO. Most people just assume I am introverted and anti-social, but really, I’m just kind of numb going through the motions. Somehow, I have never been a total downer for my partner, but when I’m depressed, I *only* have energy for that one person in my life. However, if my SO is someone fairly independent who doesn’t mind going to socialize with their friends without me always attending, I can still manage my depression without it impacting them too badly.
On the flipside, I know people whose depression very much presents itself in a way that is burdensome to other people. They may be prone to anger, or become jealous when their SO spends time out of the house from them when they are going through depressive episodes. This is the type of depression I would steer clear from, especially early on in a relationship, because if it’s already very noticeable at that point, it means the person has a long journey to get themselves to a place where they can manage their depression in a healthy way. I would encourage them to get the help they need, but you don’t have to stick around to be their emotional crutch.
I struggle with depression myself from time to time. I have a ton of respect for people who are working on, working with their mental health. It’s not an easy fight. It’d be nice to be in relationship with someone else who gets it.
Get out NOW! Been there done that.
I wouldn’t lose respect nor attraction. I don’t think people with depression should necessarily avoid relationships either.
Whether I distance myself depends on how well I know this person and where I see and want this relationship to go.
I suppose this is what people mean when they say you can love the same person twice.
The first time is when you’re just getting to know each other: the physical connection, the first exchanges of words, and a superficial understanding of their personality.
The second time is when you begin to learn about their obstacles, their fears, and their difficulties with connecting more deeply—and that’s when people decide whether to stay or leave.
At first, I felt scared when I learned about my ex’s childhood and the difficulties she had to face after her father passed away. From the age of 17, she had to take on the responsibility of looking for work together with her brother. It was also hard to accept when she told me that she had gone through a very dark moment in the past—but that chapter was already over. I met her a few months after that, and at the beginning of our relationship she was hesitant to talk about sensitive topics. Her shyness was still very noticeable around me, but as she gradually began to trust me, she found the courage to tell me—while crying—that she was afraid I might leave her.
She was taking medication, and she also had a thyroid condition that left her with very low energy most of the time. Even so, I stayed by her side. I always took care of her, always wanted her to get better. Still, there were things she wasn’t telling me. Later, I found out that her crisis had been triggered by a very intense fight with her ex-boyfriend, during which they said things they never should have. She listened to him. He provoked her out of anger, thinking it was just drama, but it wasn’t—she was truly unstable at that moment. That made me very angry with him. I thought he was extremely insensitive, especially knowing that he had also been manipulating her psychologically in other ways.
Going back to the point: I stayed for as long as I could, until something happened. People say it’s normal in relationships for partners not to be at the same energy level. Sometimes I was at 80% while she was at 20%, and I willingly shared my time and energy to help her get back on track. But eventually, we both dropped to 1%—me overwhelmed by work stress, and her caught in a spiral of negative thoughts.
I told her that those topics were better discussed in person, not over the phone. It felt too impersonal, especially since we had already talked about them before. But she said she couldn’t control herself; she felt safe talking to me because she trusted me. I ended up saying things that hurt her, and she told me she wouldn’t trust me anymore. That’s when I snapped. After all the effort I had made to earn her trust, hearing that broke something in me. I had chosen her again and again, without letting her past define her in my eyes. But those words, combined with my accumulated exhaustion and low energy, pushed me toward the extreme decision to end the relationship.
Unfortunately, my reaction was immature. I was emotionally blocked. I had never had to process so much heavy information about someone I loved in such a short period of time. She was also extremely shy. Once, we went to the movies, and she arrived late. I went inside and showed her where I was sitting, but she got confused and sat on the other side of the theater instead of next to me, because she was too shy to turn around. It was very stressful—we hadn’t seen each other for two weeks, and her shyness took over. At times, I imagined more serious situations, and she wouldn’t step in to help, because her shyness held her back.
I don’t know. Honestly, I did believe in love—in choosing someone because you see something beautiful in them. I loved her personality deeply. But I feel like I arrived too late, or that we simply weren’t meant to be. She had already lived through experiences with her ex that hadn’t fully healed. She was always emotionally connected to him to some degree. She tried to love me, but she couldn’t fully let go of that bond—and in a way, I understand her. He was part of both the “before” and “after” of her tragedy.
A few months after I broke up with her, they got back together. It hurt a lot. It still hurts, and it shows in the way I write this. But I promise myself that starting tomorrow, I won’t continue dwelling on these thoughts. It’s a new year, and I don’t want to keep repeating this mental pattern.
I still love her, and I genuinely wish her the best with him. I think her ex-boyfriend and I are the only people who truly witnessed her darkest days and hardest nights. I don’t know how he lived through them, but I know I did—out of love, because I wanted the relationship to work. I hope she can be happy and heal with him, and that he helps her reach her full potential, because it is immense. I hope she lives a life full of meaningful experiences. And if he is able to pull her out of her sadness and depression, then so be it. She wasn’t happy with me—but if she can smile and live fully, even from afar, I support her.
Intentionally or not, I’ve just come across too many people who want to pivot things to a more friends with benefits type dynamic then serious long-term relationship. It makes sense in the context of having depression, it’s just a deal breaker for me and also kind of insulting when I’m going in with the intention of long-term relationship.
I’ve been married to a depressed person for over a decade. It’s not really an issue, I’ve dated depressed people before. But it’s the unwillingness to help themselves out of it that is really not attractive and it gets hard to live with.
As someone with strong depressive episodes myself, I would definitely tread more carefully. Because I know how hard it is, I would really want to know how they deal with it before making any moves into codependency, like moving in together, making financial commitments together etc. I am someone able to push through and pull myself out of it enough to go to work and keep up with basic chores and life admin, organized enough generally that I can afford spending a few days in bed without everything falling apart. I also know myself well enough to plan ahead, I always get really down in December and January (it’s all dark here) and June, so I plan accordingly. I may be in contact much less with friends, but I force myself to answer texts and calls at least. Basically, I try not to burden others with it, and would seek help if I couldn’t manage by myself anymore.
My husband is similar, so I didn’t mind him having depressive episodes as well, although he does his duties, he has much more trouble staying afloat, which I think comes from his lack of spirituality/religion. But it has been a real struggle since we had a kid, because two sad, sluggish parents with some dark thoughts don’t make a good environment and the effort to be cheerful and positive when my husband is like a black cloud sometimes feels superhuman. I honestly don’t know if I would choose this path again, at least not without the caveat of him going to therapy before we marry.
Went through this exact scenario. When he told me about having experienced depression and taking SSRIs early on, I greatly appreciated his vulnerability and openness.
But the actual reality of being with someone whose depression gets so severe at times that I have had him tell me he doesnt think he will survive the week…. isnt glamorous and has taken a major toll on my psyche and at times, my own mental health. Combined with addiction (he is now in recovery after severe health consequences), severe debilitating anxiety, and PTSD, it has been a really really hard 5+ years.
The thing is, he is a wonderful person when his mental health issues aren’t overwhelming and they are far from a constant. So I find it difficult to answer the question of if I regret it. I would probably be extremely hesitant to date a new person with depression who I wasn’t emotionally invested in unless they were successfully being treated for it and were compliant with treatment.
Have I lost respect? No, I don’t really go there often. I mostly just feel heartbroken for him. Have I lost attraction? Mostly no. There are times I dont feel a lot of attraction if he really isnt taking care of himself but I am extremely attracted to him and it will come right but when he is out of an episode. Would you distance yourself? Sometimes yes. It is a coping strategy to not feel like I am drowning with him.
Should people with depression avoid pursuing relationships? No, that is an overgeneralization. They should receive treatment, though.
I’m at a point in my life where I feel about depression like I feel about any other chronic condition.
I’m only dating people who don’t need me to be happy.
If you’ve got a chronic condition that makes it harder to be happy, and you’ve got a scaffolding of help in your life to manage that chronic condition, with doctors and medications and therapists and self care routines and friends and support groups, where when life is going normal you don’t need anything from a partner other than normal emotional support partner stuff, and sometimes you get an episode or a flare up or something happens and you need additional support but you’re usually able to articulate how you want your partner to treat you, that’s totally great wonderful partnership. But if you’re at a point in your life where your depression or your diabetes or your fibromyalgia or whatever your chronic thing is is a big major thing that you’re trying to figure out, and you frequently find yourself unmoored from regular life not knowing what to do, reaching out for help from the people close to you, and you’re still figuring out if you can do this alone or if you should seek professional help, and your partner just needs to accept that there’s a lot of things they have to do differently for you because due to your chronic condition, you’re not really capable of long term happiness right now, sorry no thank you. You’re still worthy of love. But you need an “I help you, you help me” partner. You need a partner who is also going through a lot of their own shit, and they support you through your shit and you support them through their shit.
Because without you in it, my life is happy. I need an “I take care of me, you take care of you” relationship. Because if I’m in an “I take care of me and I also take care of you and you don’t have to take care of anybody because your life is just worse than mine” relationship, I will just resent the person I’m with.
I’ll put it like this, not everyone is equipped to have the tools to navigate depression in someone else. I didn’t have the tools needed to help navigate depression in a guy I was seeing for a while and decided to remain friends. I hope he’s doing well.
Well this happened to me. I felt concerned and my nurture instinct kicked in lol. I started doing reminders for meds, helped him look for a therapist, pushed him to find a psychiatrist, started planning weekly meetings to exercise, etcetera. I did not lose respect at all, I fully view it as a serious condition. What did make me lose respect was the lying and ignoring me. Also, it brought out a trait in me that is probably not healthy. I tend to be a “fixer” and I throw myself into helping someone at the cost of my own wellbeing and boundaries. I think having my therapist hat on probably pissed off my partners.