Me (M23) and my girlfriend (F25) have been together for 4 months. We were friends for 6 months before that, while she was on another relationship.
She’s my 2nd girlfriend and I’m her 6th boyfriend. She never broke up, it was always her boyfriend who broke up with her (except the one before me). I never thought much of that, always thought her exes were the problem, and that she was really great. She has had depression for the past 10 years (doesn’t go to therapy, takes medication).
But the problems started only a few days before I asked her out. We planned a trip to another state, her family already lives there so she flew first, and then I would fly some days after. We live in a small city and we would travel to our country’s biggest city. During the planning she insisted on screenshotting the subway routes, to which I kindly said we could just use Google Maps offline and the same results would show up. The result? She hang up the video call and didn’t talk to me until next morning when I arrived at the airport.
I felt really bad because I only wanted to help, but she didn’t care at all. I was at fault for providing a better option. That was my real first red flag. The girl I loved had just disappeared.
Besides that, I always felt pressured because she wanted to change every small detail about myself.
Fast forward a few months and our relationship feels like hell. Every month during her periods it’s like she wants to destroy every piece of my personality. She controls what hair cuts I can have, she controls how I wash my hands, brush my teeth and even wash my mouth after brushing them. She goes as far as to control the way I place the cutlery on the dish after I finish.
We play videogames, we both have PCs, but since we started dating I can only play what she plays, and the only time I asked to play something different she said I could and then had an argument with me because I wanted to play without her (I literally asked for 20 minutes only).
I’m a chill guy. But I think it’s become a problem I always ask for forgiveness even when I don’t think I’m at fault.
A few days ago we got late to work (we work in the same corporate office) and she complained we weren’t late enough. Same when we arrive even if 1 minute before our working hours.
During the New Year’s Eve we had to travel to another city for a party, we left by 4pm to arrive before 6pm, it’s usually a 30 min drive, but with transit it can take hours. We arrived in the rain at 5:30pm and she already started complaining on how I was such a bad person, an idiot for arriving so early. Not to mention she blamed me for doing wrong a special dish she was making just because I asked my sister if we should bake/cook the chocolate.
Last night, we were going to sleep together and she asked me to get up to take her medication, which I did, no complaints from me. Then she asked me to change my T-shirt, to which I became somewhat frustrated but didn’t complain, only responded in a normal tone, not a cute one, that I would change it. And everything went down, she said I was an idiot, that I was an asshole for talking to her like that, and that she didn’t want me to hug her while sleeping because of how bad of a person I was.
She didn’t want to talk, tried hard and got tired, and I said I wasn’t going to try to talk anymore like that. She cried all night but refused to talk to me.
This morning I bought her something for breakfast and we went to the company’s kitchen, where I apologized (even without feeling any guilt, but I just wanted everything to go well). She said I should say instead: “I’m sorry for being an asshole and an idiot”.
Forgot to mention she argues with me when I sigh. And also when I say I’ll do my best to make things different, because according to her, these things are so basic no effort should be needed.
I’m tired. I don’t know what to do anymore.
17 comments
Someone who complains about one ex might have some valid concerns. Someone who paints two exes as “crazy” might just be a poor judge of character. If it gets to three bad exes there’s probably a bit of self sabotage involved. When it’s six! Now you know why she can’t keep a partner.
After only 4 months being verbally abused, and not a capable functioning partner and you are here asking what to do? You don’t tolerate being treated like this, that’s the easy answer. But the hard answer is why you are in a relationship with her – meaning unresolved attachment trauma from childhood that has you choosing this person instead of understanding that she isn’t capable of being a good partner. Learn about your insecure attachment style so you can hopefully unwind from it and find someone worthy of being in a relationship with you.
Read back your post. You know what you should do, you just don’t want to do it.
You need to dump this girl, it sounds like she doesn’t even like you. You’re allowed to have different interests and having to play the same video games as her is just. That’s insane. She’s childish and immature, and the longer you stay, the more she will drag you down. A partner shouldn’t pressure you to change, hang up on you, or suggest a terrible apology (what is that, seriously?).
If she won’t talk, there’s no fixing this, and the only solution is to leave this relationship so you can heal and find someone who genuinely cares about you. She sounds exhausting.
leave ASAP, staying any longer is gonna destroy you. she’s treating you like a puppet rather than a life partner, just think to yourself- do you wanna live your entire life with this person who brings you down for absolutely no reason?
>She said I should say instead: “I’m sorry for being an asshole and an idiot”.
Respectfully, someone whom you bought breakfast for, should NOT be talking to you like this. She does not love you and very clearly does not care about how you feel. You also mention that there were problems before you even asking her out, that she has six exes prior to you and claims she was the one that got broken up with in every single relationship. That should’ve been enough of a red flag. I’m sorry, but unless you want to be a doormat for the rest of your life, I’d hold on your pride and dip.
It sounds like she has a lot of troubles. I’m sure that’s not fun for her. But by taking meds only and isn’t seeking help, she’s doubling down by involving you in her troubles.
What she is doing is harmful, hurtful, and cruel. Keep in mind she’s only been doing this for a few months to you. How are you going to feel in 6 months? A year? Will you become so used to it that you don’t even realize it anymore? You won’t be yourself. People you care about will pull back. I’d urge you to get out while it’s still a young relationship and you have support.
Also, when you leave her, make sure you are careful. She doesn’t sound super stable. Best of luck and I’m sorry you went through this relationship! Not all relationships and people are this way. Promise.
>The girl I loved had just disappeared.
I think this is part of the problem: you had only known her 6 months at this point. You didn’t know her very well and you didn’t know what it would be like dating her. You can be keen on someone without it being love and if you aren’t careful that word can trap you in bad relationships.
And yeah, turns out she is toxic and emotionally abusive. Sometimes that really is something you discover only when dating. She throws tantrums, she’s hot and cold, she’s controlling, she’s condescending, she’s just an all round awful person and it is absolutely taking a toll on you.
You know now why so many guys leave her. You have to do the same. She doesn’t want you to ‘do better’ or whatever, she just likes having the excuse to be cruel for the sake of it. Now you know that.
You break up. There’s clearly something going on with her that she needs to address in therapy but for now she is being emotionally abusive and you do not need to stick around to help her when she’s actively damaging your mental health. She’s not the person you fell for, that was a mask. Now she has dropped that mask and you need to act accordingly
Oh yeah, pure wife material
It’s seems like she sees your kindness and understanding as a weakness which she is exploiting.
She’s taking her own demons out on you which isnt fair, it would be healthy for the both of you to cut it off. Id leave her man.
She sounds like my ex to a tee, dont make my mistake of holding on and hoping for change itll take all youre remaining sanity get out while you can.
Good luck
There’s a reason she keeps getting in my dumped and you’re experiencing it now. Life is way to short to date someone like this. She sounds unhinged.
So much drama. Just block and move on. It’s not hard.
Holy overdramatic, Batman. “She wants to DESTROY me” just break up with her and move on, jeez
You know she ain’t the one.
Not in the slightest bit surprised that 5 out of 6 exes decided to break up with this walking red flag.
Everyone jumps to splitting up in this sub but seriously, get rid, block, delete and lock away your bunny.
So what are your boundaries?
Has she crossed them?
Does she care about your boundaries?
Would you like this to continue for the rest of your life?
What are you afraid of if you act?