I’ve been completely vulnerable and honest with my husband about how I’ve been feeling lately and how I need his support and to see his effort in our connection.
A hectic past few years and maybe that coupled with me being middle age and finally facing myself in therapy has led to my new perspective and sense of self. While I see this as a good thing, this new self of mine is stirring up my marriage and my husband doesn’t seem to like it.
I take full accountability for not voicing my expectations or boundaries early on in our relationship, but I simply had none. Now that I am making requests or setting boundaries, my husband says I’ve changed and that I am selfish.
My husband is avoidant and I love him dearly but as much as I thought I was doing us a favor by caring the emotional labor of our marriage, I believe I’ve shot myself in the foot. I’m exhausted, I’m burned out and my body has closed up shop.
I have on repeated occasions made it clear to my husband that I want us to work on this and I need him to take the lead, as I have the past 11 years. It appears my husband either is not capable or interested in what I’ve mentioned could be helpful in getting us connected. What I notice is he has a fear of rejection or has conditions in his efforts. For example, I ask him to be emotionally present with me or sit next to me, in some way affectionate, and his response is “I need to see your warmth first” or “you’re too cold for me to kiss”.
We’re stuck in a loop because my body is not open to physical intimacy because of the lack of emotional intimacy, but he doesn’t want to put effort in because I’m not physically intimate with him or appearing receptive enough for his affection (all though I directly ask for it).
We’ve had fall outs and I feel like there’s been a lack of repair. We’ve tried counseling and it did more damage than good. He thinks I’m giving up and selfish but I’m trying my damnest and telling him where my minds at, I’m not perfect but I’m honest and what I want from him is progress not perfection but it hasn’t been consistent enough for me to feel safe and loved. He says he gives effort then doesn’t see results so he decides to give up. The things I’ve asked from him are listening without defensiveness, taking initiative in planning things/more leadership in repairs and being emotionally present with me.
Points of advice needed:
- has your body shut down from lack of emotional intimacy but been able to get back to normal with work? What helped? One minute I feel like my body is sending me a message that I cannot ignore, then the next I blame myself because of age and maybe stress
-anyone partnered with an avoidant spouse and still have a happy marriage with emotional intimacy? Any tips?
-If you’re completely honest and vulnerable to your partner about what it is you need to feel loved – what is the next steps or things you look for?
TL;DR: 11-year relationship, emotional disconnect, minimal effort from my husband, and I’m feeling trapped in a loop that’s making me lose hope.